In my work as a suicidologist and thanatologist, I have observed that suicide is one of the most misunderstood causes of death in our society and that our culture has stigmatized and silenced suicide with devastating results for individual survivors and communities. Approximately one million people die every year of suicide worldwide, leaving millions of grievers who are bereaved due to suicide death loss, yet often, survivors feel the weight of suicide stigma and do not receive the supportive and helpful responses they need to navigate their complex grief journeys.

When I work with students and clients who want to support someone they care about who has lost a loved one to suicide, the most frequent concerns they express are, “I don’t know how to help them,” and “I don’t know what to say.” These frustrations are understandable – we live in a culture that often silences open and educationally-supported conversations about suicide, so many people feel at a loss for how to assist a loved one’s grief journey after suicide.
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It is my hope that the following information will assist you in being an empathic and helpful presence in the lives of suicide loss survivors.

In my blog post, “Surviving Suicide Stigma,” I discuss several of the most harmful myths still circulating in dominant culture:

• Suicide is always the result of clinical depression.
• The suicide death was a “quick fix” for problems that could easily have been solved or an “easy way out.”
• If we talk about suicide, or about a loved one who died of suicide, we may risk becoming suicidal or causing another person to become suicidal.
• Suicide is an act of cowardice or personal weakness; while everyone feels badly sometimes, suicide is “wrong,” “selfish,” or “weak.”

Several of these myths stem from the ultimate misunderstanding of suicide, the belief that it is an act of free will or a rational choice. In fact, we now understand that suicide is a complicated phenomenon rooted in pain. Usually, there are many sources of pain – psychological, sociological, spiritual, and even biological – that accumulate for some people who are suicidal until the pain becomes so great that the suicidal person literally cannot see another way to end their pain.
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If we can understand that someone who died of suicide was experiencing complex suffering and that suicide was the product of a mind that was not working right, then we can begin to be of support to suicide loss survivors without the confusion and stigma that myths about suicide reinforce.

Because of the intense stigma associated with suicide, suicide loss survivors may internalize feelings of guilt and shame on their own behalf and on behalf of their deceased loved one. These feelings are often reinforced by thoughtless or harmful responses from co-workers, friends, and family members. In recent years, social media has increased incidences of suicide loss survivors feeling shamed and isolated, both through posted speculation about the death and judgment, often from people not even known to the survivor.

The shame and isolation often experienced by survivors complicates their already-difficult grief over the loss. As we know, all grief experiences are unique, but for suicide loss survivors, the interpersonal and institutional responses they receive following the death can introduce unique elements to their responses to the death. In the months following a suicide death loss, many survivors report an increase in physical problems such as brain fog, insomnia, gastrointestinal issues, and chronic headaches. The sociological stressors due to silence and shame may increase survivors’ isolation and make them less likely to reach out for support. Psychologically, suicide loss survivors are at high risk for disenfranchised grief and prolonged grief. And while studies differ in terms of numbers, we also know that primary survivors of a suicide death loss are at higher risk for developing suicidality over the course of their lifetime.
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Being a suicide loss survivor is like being in a club that you never wanted to join. I encourage survivors to speak to others bereaved by suicide because it can be easier to tell their stories without fear of judgment, but it is equally important that people who have never lost a loved one to suicide feel equipped to support loved ones who have.

Use appropriate and non-criminalizing language. Instead of using terms like “committed suicide” or “killed himself,” use language that demonstrates that you understand that the person who died was not a criminal for their suicidality but was suffering: “John died of suicide.”

Acknowledge the pain of the person who died. “John’s death is a tragedy. I am so sorry that he was in so much pain that he could not see another way to end that pain.”

Do not ask inappropriate questions. Asking someone about the specific means by which their loved one died of suicide, the condition of their body, or other details that can provoke trauma responses is never appropriate.

Practice empathy. Work to dismantle any biases you might hold about suicide and try to resist mapping your own belief system or judgments onto survivors. Be receptive to the feelings they can identify or express, and validate all of those feelings. Survivors may be experiencing shock, anger, and confusion in addition to other grief responses – be ready for it and be patient.

Follow their lead. When talking with a suicide loss survivor, give them space to tell the story of their loss without probing them. After a suicide death, survivors may talk about the timeline of the day of death in minute detail in an attempt to come to terms with the reality of the loss. They may be very repetitive, or they may not want to talk about the details at all in the early days following the loss.

Engage in attuned listening. When talking to a suicide loss survivor, maintain eye contact, demonstrate that you are hearing them, and engage in non-threatening physical touch if appropriate. Importantly, do not look away if they begin to cry.

Keep confidentiality. If a suicide loss survivor shares details, feelings, or worries related to their loss, assure them that you will not share that information with others. Because of the stigma associated with suicide, having someone trustworthy in which to confide is crucial to survivors feeling supported.

Offer to help them make meaning of the loss. While everyone’s trajectory of mourning is different, many suicide loss survivors actively seek to make meaning from the loss, either through doing public education on suicide, creating public memorialization of their loved one through scholarships or other donations, or via community involvement for suicide prevention. While I would not advise encouraging survivors to throw themselves into these kinds of activities in the first few months following a suicide death loss, I have seen the value in them for many survivors even years after the loss has occurred. If the person who died valued education, ask if you can start a scholarship fund in their loved one’s name. If they were a nature lover, ask if you can organize a tree planting for them.

Help them remember the life of their loved one. Those bereaved due to suicide do not ever forget their loved one, though strangely, they often report friends and family not talking about the loved one after the first few weeks of the loss. Do not be afraid to speak the name of the person who has died, share memories you have of them, or remind the person you care about of memories they had told you about with their loved one. Because our culture often reduces the life of someone who has died of suicide simply to their cause of death, it is both valuable and meaningful to remember the birthday and date of death of the deceased and check in on those days. It can also be immeasurably helpful to talk about the person who has died regularly in conversations, acknowledging their interests, work, hobbies, and unique qualities, rather than only talk about their death.

This year, International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is Saturday, November 18, 2023. As both a suicidologist and suicide death loss survivor, I will be spending the day thinking of the lives that ended tragically and honoring the pain with which they suffered prior to their deaths. I will also be thinking of all the other suicide death loss survivors I have known and wishing for them an easing of their grief. Finally, I will be renewing my promise to help end the epidemic of suicide in our culture in hopes for a future in which so many are not lost and so many are not bereaved.

Thank you for your commitment to supporting the suicide loss survivors in your life.

Are you open to new ideas? Do you embrace modern channels of customer communications? Are you and your team skilled in sales and logistics?
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If you answered yes to each of these questions, I suspect you’ve already embraced cremation as the future of funeral service. In my experience, these are the qualities that set cremation-focused business owners apart from traditional funeral directors. They constantly monitor their target markets and adjust their messaging, services, products and channels to meet consumer needs.

The past two years have seen a quiet transformation in the way consumers talk about death and deathcare services. The cremation specialists I talk with work hard to stay abreast of the evolving preferences of deathcare consumers and are extremely open to new ideas. They have put aside many of their preconceived notions of what a funeral service should be and are nimble in adapting to what today’s families want them to be. Cremation-focused firms are not tied to any one product or service. They recognize the more transient nature of today’s families and the need for more flexibility and personalization in the arrangement process.

What people want will change continuously as the years pass and so too will the way they communicate with family, friends and service providers. Cremation-focused firms embrace the most modern forms of communications and take an omnichannel approach to marketing, sales and service.

What do I mean by omnichannel? Omnichannel involves using all available media channels and is centered around the customer. Many traditional community-based firms still rely heavily on word-of-mouth and community connections to market and grow their funeral homes’ customer base. It’s an approach that has worked well over the years for firms rooted in traditional high-end casketed funerals but one that is much less adaptable to the lifestyles of many modern families. The most progressive funeral professionals focus on the customer offering personalized messages and a seamless, unified experience. This allows families to easily access information from any channel, which is connected to all others with a consistent look and feel that builds trust. In fact, the new acceptance of digital channels for deathcare arrangements is essentially what has made high-volume cremation businesses possible

Cremation-first firms are digitally driven using ecommerce, social media and Google ads to reach broad audiences. These firms represent brick-and-mortar locations as well as online portals like Foundation Partners’ two direct-to-consumer brands, Tulip Cremation and Solace Cremation, offering families convenience, simplicity and support online and by phone, without the need to visit a funeral home.

I am proud of the members of our profession who are embracing cremation and adjusting their business plans to profitably offer the products and services today’s family want. The skill, dedication and compassion of full-service funeral home owners continue be highly valued by American families, and many long-time funeral directors are expanding their operations to include more cremation-focused offerings. Moreover, cremation does not diminish the need to provide quality family service and counsel. Regardless of their choice of final disposition, all families want and need guidance in making appropriate deathcare plans for their loved ones. Our job, as funeral service professionals, is to continually look for new ways to make that experience better.