As a deathcare practitioner, you play a crucial role in supporting families during one of the most challenging times of their lives. Grief is messy and unpredictable, and knowing how to offer compassionate and thoughtful support can make a significant difference. Here are five strategies to help you support grieving families effectively. 1. Forget the Five Stages of GriefElizabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—were based on observations of terminally ill patients. These stages are not universal or linear. Grief is deeply personal and unpredictable, more like a Choose Your Own Adventure book than a roadmap. Your role is to help families begin to navigate their unique journey through grief, and help them take care not to prescribe to a specific path or pattern. 2. Be Awkward, Be VulnerableIt’s normal to feel uncomfortable when supporting someone who is grieving. Avoid using clichés or making unhelpful remarks like, "He's in a better place," or "At least you can have more children." These comments can inadvertently diminish their grief. Instead, acknowledge your discomfort and offer sincere support: "Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say, but I want you to know I’m here for you.” This honesty shows grieving individuals that they are not alone and that their feelings are valid. 3. Offer Grief Support Resources in Your Aftercare ProgramGrief can linger for weeks, months, or even years. As a deathcare practitioner, you can help families find the additional support they need. Keep a list of local resources, such as group counseling or therapy, that may benefit them. Websites like ForGrief.com connect grieving individuals with a range of support options, including downloadable resources, Grief Chats™ with professionals, community support, and online courses tailored to their needs. Share these resources on your website, via your social media outlets, or as part of your aftercare program. Providing these resources shows that you care about their long-term well-being. 4. Encourage Grief BreaksGrieving is emotionally and physically exhausting, and people may feel guilty about taking breaks from their grief. Encourage them to take "grief breaks” during the funerary activities. Similar to recess for kids, activities like a brief walk or simply few moments away from the events can help a person who is grieving to recharge. Remind your families that taking time to rest does not minimize their grief nor encourage denial. Instead, it helps them maintain their strength to continue their grieving process. 5. Take Care of YourselfWorking with grieving families daily can lead to death and grief overload. To be at your best for your families, it's crucial to care for yourself. Use resources to assess your own burnout level and ensure you’re getting the support you need. Taking vacations, exploring hobbies outside the deathcare and grief space, and making time for exercise are all beneficial. During working hours, check in with your staff after particularly challenging arrangements, encourage regular breaks, and set reminders to stay hydrated. These practices will help maintain your well-being and effectiveness, and help you help those who are grieving. ConclusionRemember, grief has no timeline. In your role, your support means offering compassion and respect, walking the path with those who are grieving, and letting them know they are not alone. You don’t need to have all the answers—your presence and willingness to help are often enough. By employing these strategies, you can make a meaningful difference in the lives of grieving families, providing them with the support and understanding they need during such a difficult time. A deeper dive into how people grieve and aftercare support take the stage at the 106th Annual Cremation Innovation Convention this September 11-13, 2024 in Chicago. In Kelly Manion’s dynamic session, The Power of Human Connection: Elevating Your Grief Support & Aftercare Programs, attendees will learn valuable insights into the diverse way people (including yourself) experience grief, and how you can support them. You’ll also learn how to take your brand to the next level by integrating grief support into your aftercare program to help position your firm as a pillar of support in your community.
See what else we have planned and register for CANA's 106th Convention today!
One of the greatest challenges to surviving a suicide death loss and moving forward in one’s grief is the prevalent and damaging stigma that continues to be associated with this cause of death. This stigma is complicated by public misunderstanding of suicide, long-held myths about suicide, and the problematic language used to talk about suicide and the deceased. Moving forward with a suicide death loss is one of the most difficult experiences we may face in our lives, but if we can begin to unpack and understand the roots of the stigma that clings to suicide in our culture, we may become more empowered to challenge them and attain some healing in our personal bereavement. In my own scholarly work on suicide, I have identified what are perhaps the four most common cultural myths that are imposed on survivors of suicide loss, which reinforce stigmas and harm our individual grieving processes. Exposing these attitudes for the myths they are may allow us to better honor our loved ones’ lives while also reinforcing facts over fiction to others who are also affected by suicide. Myth 1: Suicide is always the result of clinical depression.Not all suicide deaths are resultant of what we clinically term “depression.” It is also important to remember that while everyone may feel depressed from time to time, perhaps following the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, the end to a romantic relationship, or other losses, clinical depression is not the same as situational depressed feelings, nor does one necessarily grow out of the other. Today, we must recognize that not all suicide deaths are linked so easily to clinical depression or, even for persons suffering from clinical depression, to that depression alone. Leading to a suicide attempt, there are a multitude of pressures at work on an individual, both social (including cultural, environmental, and interpersonal) as well as psychological (including one’s personal and familial mental health history, one’s losses, and one’s coping mechanisms for responding to suffering and trauma), and often biological (including chronic or life-threatening medical conditions, chemical imbalances, and effects of medications). If your loved one died of suicide, it is natural for you to try to trace the components of their life that may have impacted their suicidality and led to their death. We want answers, and we may think that we need those answers to move on with our lives. Coming to terms with the impossibility of fully answering the question of “why?” is a hard realization, but it can begin to allow you to accept that you will never know fully exactly why the death occurred. Myth 2: The suicide death was a “quick fix” for problems that could easily have been solved.Because suicide continues to be an act surrounded by attempts to place blame, whether on the deceased, his or her family or romantic partner, or the medical community, if we seek less to find an outlet for blame and more to identify contributory forces on the individual, we may recognize that someone who has died of suicide was trapped in their pain and unable to see any other way out of their pain. Suicidal people do not want to die; they want to end their suffering. To treat suicide as a “quick fix” or “easy way out,” as is often done, is a failure to recognize the pain from which our loved one suffered. While we all experience pain, loss, and obstacles in our lives, individuals who die of suicide were not able to respond to their pain in healthy ways – often due to the same biopsychosocial forces that led to their suicidality. After a suicide loss, we might become frustrated by all the options we believe that our loved one had to receive help. We might become angry at them or others for not getting the help that we think could have kept them alive. Recognizing that suicide is the product of a mind that isn’t working right can help us understand that while we can identify objective sources of assistance, in late-stage suicidality, our loved one’s mind genuinely could not see those possibilities anymore. Myth 3: If we talk about suicide, or about our loved one who died of suicide, we may risk becoming suicidal or causing another person to become suicidal.Historically, it was believed that if one spoke openly about the suicide death of a family or community member, they would risk “infecting” themselves or others by presenting suicide as an option. We still see effects of this misguided theory today; for example, we rarely, if ever, see the word “suicide” in an obituary or hear it at a memorial service for one who has died of suicide. Similarly, school communities are divided between communicating effectively with their students about the loss of a student to suicide and remaining fearful of romanticizing the death and presenting it as a possible “way out” for other students. Although this theory has been reexamined over the last decade and the idea that suicide is “infectious” is well on its way to being disproven, the idea that one can contract suicide from another person, as one would a virus or bacterial infection, still circulates in our contemporary culture. We need to resist remaining silent about suicide and our own suicide losses. It is not contagious, and without open and accurate conversations about it, including in memorialization, silence will continue to function as a way of shaming survivors and cultivating more silence around these deaths. The suicide death of your loved one was the endpoint of their unique and extraordinary life, not the totality of their life. They deserve that their pain be acknowledged along with their accomplishments. Additionally, other people living with suicidality need to know that they can break silences about their suffering. Talking about suicide is more likely to lead to those people seeking help rather than suffering in silence. Myth 4: Suicide is an act of cowardice or personal weakness; while everyone feels badly sometimes, suicide is “wrong,” “selfish,” or “weak.”One of the most dangerous ways in which we bar understanding of those who have died of suicide is to treat their means of death as a personal failure. Historically-inherited cultural norms teach members of our society that a person who died of suicide was weak, cowardly, and uncaring about their loved ones. In reality, as the result of many social, psychological, and biological factors that have nothing to do with “giving up” or “choosing death,” suicide is not about cowardice; it isn’t about weakness. Representations of people who die of suicide as being less strong or less caring of others are not only false but harmful to their survivors and to their own legacy. No one asks to become suicidal; no one hopes that suicidality will develop in them, just as no one wishes for a cancer to develop in them. Persons who attempt and die of suicide often report beforehand feeling ambivalent toward life and death, due to their suffering. Many cannot see or understand the impact their death will have on their loved ones, much in the same way that they cannot see options other than suicide in ending their pain. Anyone who lives for any length of time with exacerbating suicidality in a culture that shames suicidality is anything but a coward. The Role of LanguageWhile the above myths are but a few of the many that suicide loss survivors face, sometimes on a daily basis, we also need to confront the ways in which our culture reinforces stigma through the language used to refer to suicide and those who suffer from it. Let’s consider conventional terminology: people say that “John killed himself” or “John committed suicide”; both of these statements show nothing but ignorance for the complexity and devastation of suicidal pain, rendering someone who died of a life-threatening condition a virtual criminal. Within our cultural context, we “commit” crimes – murder, theft, robbery. If we “kill,” our cultural values demand that we ought to be punished. Criminalizing suicide through language is a barrier to understanding the pain of the suicidal individual. Your loved one did not commit a crime; they do not deserve cultural or interpersonal degradation in language. They died of suicide, which is a cause of death that can be acute, chronic, or life-threatening, like many other causes of death. Their death was not an act of free will produced by a healthy mind but a tragic result of complex pain. November 23, 2024 is International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. To find events and additional resources, or to read and share stories of suicide losses, I encourage you to visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s website at www.afsp.org. 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org. Veterans, press 1 when calling. There may be no cause of death more silenced, stigmatized, and misunderstood than a death of suicide. Back by popular demand, Sara Murphy, PhD, FT, takes the stage at CANA's 106th Annual Cremation Innovation Convention this September 11-13, 2024. Dr. Murphy's invaluable session will teach how to differentiate between myths and realities of suicidality, recognize the signs for suicide risk and develop responses to prevent suicide death loss within the profession to better care for ourselves and our colleagues.. See what else we have planned and register to attend: cremationassociation.org/CANA24
Plus, Dr. Sara Murphy and Aaron Pelchat, LCSW, lead an interactive workshop to bring professional education and support of mental health in funeral service professionals. In The Silent Problem: Talking about Mental Health and Funeral Service, attendees will learn about common mental health issues like compassion fatigue and burnout, how to unpack challenges to self-care, and gain tools for improving mental health in themselves and their colleagues. Register for this special pre-Convention workshop alone or add it to your CANA Convention registration.
This post was originally published in the Remembering A Life blog on November 18, 2020.
In my work as a suicidologist and thanatologist, I have observed that suicide is one of the most misunderstood causes of death in our society and that our culture has stigmatized and silenced suicide with devastating results for individual survivors and communities. Approximately one million people die every year of suicide worldwide, leaving millions of grievers who are bereaved due to suicide death loss, yet often, survivors feel the weight of suicide stigma and do not receive the supportive and helpful responses they need to navigate their complex grief journeys. When I work with students and clients who want to support someone they care about who has lost a loved one to suicide, the most frequent concerns they express are, “I don’t know how to help them,” and “I don’t know what to say.” These frustrations are understandable – we live in a culture that often silences open and educationally-supported conversations about suicide, so many people feel at a loss for how to assist a loved one’s grief journey after suicide. It is my hope that the following information will assist you in being an empathic and helpful presence in the lives of suicide loss survivors. RESISTING MYTHS ABOUT SUICIDEIn my blog post, “Surviving Suicide Stigma,” I discuss several of the most harmful myths still circulating in dominant culture:
If we can understand that someone who died of suicide was experiencing complex suffering and that suicide was the product of a mind that was not working right, then we can begin to be of support to suicide loss survivors without the confusion and stigma that myths about suicide reinforce. SUICIDE LOSS SURVIVORSHIPBecause of the intense stigma associated with suicide, suicide loss survivors may internalize feelings of guilt and shame on their own behalf and on behalf of their deceased loved one. These feelings are often reinforced by thoughtless or harmful responses from co-workers, friends, and family members. In recent years, social media has increased incidences of suicide loss survivors feeling shamed and isolated, both through posted speculation about the death and judgment, often from people not even known to the survivor. The shame and isolation often experienced by survivors complicates their already-difficult grief over the loss. As we know, all grief experiences are unique, but for suicide loss survivors, the interpersonal and institutional responses they receive following the death can introduce unique elements to their responses to the death. In the months following a suicide death loss, many survivors report an increase in physical problems such as brain fog, insomnia, gastrointestinal issues, and chronic headaches. The sociological stressors due to silence and shame may increase survivors’ isolation and make them less likely to reach out for support. Psychologically, suicide loss survivors are at high risk for disenfranchised grief and prolonged grief. And while studies differ in terms of numbers, we also know that primary survivors of a suicide death loss are at higher risk for developing suicidality over the course of their lifetime. Being a suicide loss survivor is like being in a club that you never wanted to join. I encourage survivors to speak to others bereaved by suicide because it can be easier to tell their stories without fear of judgment, but it is equally important that people who have never lost a loved one to suicide feel equipped to support loved ones who have. STRATEGIES FOR SUPPORTING SUICIDE LOSS SURVIVORSUse appropriate and non-criminalizing language. Instead of using terms like “committed suicide” or “killed himself,” use language that demonstrates that you understand that the person who died was not a criminal for their suicidality but was suffering: “John died of suicide.” Acknowledge the pain of the person who died. “John’s death is a tragedy. I am so sorry that he was in so much pain that he could not see another way to end that pain.” Do not ask inappropriate questions. Asking someone about the specific means by which their loved one died of suicide, the condition of their body, or other details that can provoke trauma responses is never appropriate. Practice empathy. Work to dismantle any biases you might hold about suicide and try to resist mapping your own belief system or judgments onto survivors. Be receptive to the feelings they can identify or express, and validate all of those feelings. Survivors may be experiencing shock, anger, and confusion in addition to other grief responses – be ready for it and be patient. Follow their lead. When talking with a suicide loss survivor, give them space to tell the story of their loss without probing them. After a suicide death, survivors may talk about the timeline of the day of death in minute detail in an attempt to come to terms with the reality of the loss. They may be very repetitive, or they may not want to talk about the details at all in the early days following the loss. Engage in attuned listening. When talking to a suicide loss survivor, maintain eye contact, demonstrate that you are hearing them, and engage in non-threatening physical touch if appropriate. Importantly, do not look away if they begin to cry. Keep confidentiality. If a suicide loss survivor shares details, feelings, or worries related to their loss, assure them that you will not share that information with others. Because of the stigma associated with suicide, having someone trustworthy in which to confide is crucial to survivors feeling supported. Offer to help them make meaning of the loss. While everyone’s trajectory of mourning is different, many suicide loss survivors actively seek to make meaning from the loss, either through doing public education on suicide, creating public memorialization of their loved one through scholarships or other donations, or via community involvement for suicide prevention. While I would not advise encouraging survivors to throw themselves into these kinds of activities in the first few months following a suicide death loss, I have seen the value in them for many survivors even years after the loss has occurred. If the person who died valued education, ask if you can start a scholarship fund in their loved one’s name. If they were a nature lover, ask if you can organize a tree planting for them. Help them remember the life of their loved one. Those bereaved due to suicide do not ever forget their loved one, though strangely, they often report friends and family not talking about the loved one after the first few weeks of the loss. Do not be afraid to speak the name of the person who has died, share memories you have of them, or remind the person you care about of memories they had told you about with their loved one. Because our culture often reduces the life of someone who has died of suicide simply to their cause of death, it is both valuable and meaningful to remember the birthday and date of death of the deceased and check in on those days. It can also be immeasurably helpful to talk about the person who has died regularly in conversations, acknowledging their interests, work, hobbies, and unique qualities, rather than only talk about their death. This year, International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is Saturday, November 18, 2023. As both a suicidologist and suicide death loss survivor, I will be spending the day thinking of the lives that ended tragically and honoring the pain with which they suffered prior to their deaths. I will also be thinking of all the other suicide death loss survivors I have known and wishing for them an easing of their grief. Finally, I will be renewing my promise to help end the epidemic of suicide in our culture in hopes for a future in which so many are not lost and so many are not bereaved. Thank you for your commitment to supporting the suicide loss survivors in your life. Reprinted from the Remembering a Life Blog. There may be no cause of death more silenced, stigmatized, and misunderstood than a death of suicide. As a funeral professional, you’re committed to supporting families through every loss. In recognition of the invaluable assistance you can provide in navigating these complex circumstances, CANA will dedicate a special convention session from Dr. Murphy to understand suicide, expose long-held myths about it, and provide language to talk to grieving families about suicide and the deceased. Join your peers in Washington, D.C this August 9-11, 2023, for a conversation on becoming a resource for this source of complicated grief in your community. See what else we have planned for CANA's 105th Cremation Innovation Convention and register to attend.
For every death in the US, research shows that an average of nine close family members grieve. As funeral professionals, you are called to serve these people, plus the friends, coworkers, neighbors, and many others that face an uncertain future without their loved one. Your job is all the more important—and more challenging—when those people are children. The 2022 Children Bereavement Estimation Model (CBEM) estimates that over 5.9% children will lose a parent or sibling before the age of 18 in the US. That is one in 13 children, a number that has only increased since COVID. In the US, the Hidden Pain Initiative estimates that over 203,649 children under 18 lost a caregiver to COVID-19. November is Children and Teens’ Grief Awareness Month, so we thought we would take a moment to reflect on what makes childhood grief unique and share some valuable resources to support your work with these most vulnerable and important members of your community. JUDI’S HOUSE/JAG INSTITUTEFormer National Football League quarterback Brian Griese and his wife, Dr. Brook Griese, a clinical psychologist specializing in childhood trauma and loss, founded Judi’s House in memory of his mother, who died from breast cancer when he was just 12 years old. While the organization’s events are primarily directed to children and families in need in Denver, the Judi’s House/JAG Institute Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model (CBEM), developed with the New York Life Foundation, provides valuable insight on the impact grief has on youth, families, and communities across the country. Knowledge is power, and the CBEM provides both national and state-level information on children’s grief. If you want to take action on issues your community faces, the CBEM provides messaging, downloadable graphics, and an action plan to help you serve as a resource regarding the impact on children’s grief in your community.. DOUGY CENTERThe Dougy Center started with 13-year-old Dougy, who had an inoperable brain tumor and needed to talk honestly about death and dying. The Center’s original peer support opportunities in Portland, Oregon, grew to become a national resource where grieving children, teens, young adults, and families can share their experiences before and after a death. Through their Resources for Caring Community Professionals, the Dougy Center offers tip sheets to help children facing a variety of needs, activities to engage kids and teens, and a bookstore filled with resources on many topics, including What About the Kids? Understanding Their Needs in Funeral Planning & Services. They also have selfcare resources for helping professionals, a podcast to talk about Grief Out Loud, and Grief Education & Training on how to better support children, teens, and young adults who are grieving. ELUNAEluna was founded in 2000 by former Major League Baseball pitcher Jamie Moyer and child advocate Karen Phelps Moyer in Seattle, Washington. Today, their network has expanded to every Major League Baseball city as well as additional locations across the US and Canada. They’re best known for Camp Erin, a free weekend camp for grieving children and teens that combines traditional, fun camp activities with grief education and emotional support. They also have hundreds of resources on children’s grief, including many activity ideas to help grieve and memorialize loved ones. Their Community Conversations touch on the unique experiences of grief in Black and Latino communities, with resources that speak directly to them. Eluna also offers care packages for children to provide outlets and ways to connect when facing grief. HIGHMARK CARING FOUNDATIONThe Highmark Caring Foundation serves many counties in central and western Pennsylvania. Their website offers insights on how children grieve, asking “What is lost? What is left? What is possible?” The Foundation’s Illuminating HOPE is a virtual gathering of butterflies with meaningful messages so children know that they are supported in their grief. Highmark also recognizes November 17, 2022 as Children's Grief Awareness Day, offering a full day of virtual activities to support children and raise awareness of their experiences. The organization provides resources to participate during the day with graphics, messages, and many activities to unite your community in support of grieving children. Remember to wear blue on November 17! NATIONAL ALLIANCE FOR CHILDREN’S GRIEFThe National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG) was founded by committed grief professionals who saw a need to support children’s unique experience. Today, they are a professional member organization of over 1,700 members addressing issues related to childhood bereavement. Every year, NACG offers national and regional conferences to focus on issues that matter. Their virtual Fall Conference, sponsored by Dignity Memorial, is this Friday, November 4, 2022, and will focus on supporting children and families following a stigmatized death. For members and non-members alike, NACG offers a resource library filled with articles on providing support, activity ebooks to engage children in their experience and feelings, and more. In honor of Children’s Grief Awareness Month in November, the group hosts a series of events to raise awareness and support for grieving children. This November 2022, their focus is listening, and you can join their free grief talks, share their social campaign, and use their action center get your community involved. FUNERAL SERVICE FOUNDATIONAs you’re likely already aware, the Funeral Service Foundation is dedicated to improving the funeral profession and deathcare services with meaningful, impactful resources and programs. On the subject of children’s grief, they offer several free resources on the value of funerals and memorialization for a child’s positive grief journey. WITH SPECIFIC MISSIONS, THERE’S ALSO:
WHAT YOU CAN DOResearch shows that grieving children are at much greater risk than others for depression, suicide, poverty, and substance abuse. Supporting them in their grief is a challenging but rewarding part of your work as a funeral professional. This resource list is here to help! However, this list cannot possibly encompass the valuable work that your community provides to its youth. Most of these national and international organizations provide ways of identifying local resources from individual grief counselors to peer support groups and organizations suited to your community’s needs. As a funeral professional, you never know who will walk in your door next. Having the resources on hand to provide support and the skills to support the grieving go a long way toward demonstrating your commitment to your families and your community. As Tom Anderson remarked in Funeral Director Daily, simply knowing there is a need isn’t enough. As a profession, we need to listen to their need and go above and beyond for these families and these children. You can update your website and your brochure rack with resources from national and local children’s bereavement centers – like Healing Hearts Connection supporting community members in Minnesota and Wisconsin where Alicia Carr (of CANA Member Kelco Funeral Supply) is a Board Member. You can educate yourself so that when you see a family, you can be ready to support their grief and help them find other support systems. And, if you see a need in your community, you can take action to raise awareness with your leaders and organizations, informed by what you’ve learned from these sources. The next time you host a community event, you can give extra thought to the grieving children, teens, and young adults with activities just for them. Next year, you can even hold your own event in November to raise awareness and support for Children and Teen’s Grief Awareness Month. Grief expert Doug Manning says, “Time does not heal all wounds. All time does is allow wounds to fester and create more and more hurt.” Every person we encounter in deathcare is in some type of grief. Each grief experience is unique and we must become adept at recognizing and responding to each manifestation of grief in each person. That’s where The Power of Presence comes in. Developed with experts at InSight Books, this online and on-demand course shows you what grief can look like and how you can respond. I have carried a couple of buckets with me for the last twenty years. They are my props when I am talking about what helps people with their grief. I ask someone to hold one of the buckets and tell them to imagine they have just lost a loved one. The bucket represents their feelings and I asked them to express what feelings they think would be in their bucket. I ask the audience to join in and words like pain, fear, grief, loneliness, empty, anger, guilt and sometimes relief emerge. I then ask what thoughts would be going through their minds and such phrases as: Can I stand this pain? Who will take care of me now? How much will the funeral cost? What do I need to do now? What is expected of me? Then I ask what frustrations would be in the bucket and get a large variety of responses. What I am trying to portray is that people in grief are overwhelmed emotionally, mentally, physically and even socially. Then I produce the second bucket and say, “I also have a bucket. It is full of explanations, platitudes, new ways to think, and scriptures to quote. These are designed to make you feel better and they are all I know how to do.” Then I say the problem is your bucket is full to overflowing. There is no room for what I have to say, and my words run off like water no matter how wonderful they sound. I also say, “I am afraid of your bucket. I don’t know what to say and the intimacy scares me, so I say, ‘I am sorry’ and run.” get in their bucketI was asked to speak about guilt and anger in grief at a conference for grieving parents. I asked them to tell me what they felt guilty about and many did so. One lady said, “All the way to the hospital my son begged me to turn back. He did not want the transplant, he was afraid. I did not turn back, and he died.” I asked her how many times she had heard such things as: “You were acting out of love” “Without the transplant he would have died anyway” “God had a reason,” or “God won’t put more on us than we can bear” And she stopped me by saying those did not help and “that last one makes me angry.” Then I asked if it would help if I offered to hug her and said, “That must really hurt?” and she said that would help. Now why would that help? Because I am acknowledging her pain and not trivializing it. That feels like I am in her bucket with her, and she is not alone. I learned some valuable lessons that day that I would like to share, and think are vitally important to know right now. We are totally surrounded and enmeshed in a world of full buckets. At this writing more than 50,000 people have died of the virus sweeping our nation [editor’s note: at time of reprint, more than 950,000 people have died in the US alone]. That number must be added to the number of folks that have died of other causes during this time. Add to the buckets of pain the fact that all of those who died in a hospital or healthcare facility died alone with no family or friends to comfort… adding guilt, regret, anger, and a much harder grieving experience to their pain. Many families will not even be able to have the comfort of a funeral or even the chance to see their loved one after they have died. Add to that the buckets of grief from lost jobs, shattered careers, financial distress, marital strain, children out of school, fears about everything from food shortages to an actual depression and every neighborhood in our world has folks with full buckets. The great need right now is for us to figure out how to help our friends, loved ones and neighbors empty their buckets. We don’t have to be some kind of professional to be of help. We just need to know how to listen. We need to understand and believe in the awesome power of the listening ear. Maybe sharing what I learned that day, and the fifty years I have spent trying to listen, will be of help. we cannot help people until we know where they areAnd we cannot know where they are until we listen. Responding to pain is not a guessing game. Nor is it a time to just throw up a bunch of nice sounding platitudes and hope one of them hits. The key is to open the conversation and ask how they are. They will most likely say they are fine but if we just keep talking and taking care to listen to what they are saying, they may very well begin to gradually open up and share what is really going on in their lives. HEALING BEGINS IN THE OTHERS PERSON’S BUCKETIt never begins in our bucket. We have nothing in our buckets that will empty theirs. There are no magic words or phrases that will heal. Buckets are only being emptied when the one holding it is doing the talking. As they talk, they are bleeding off the feelings and emotions that are flooding their minds and hearts. This means we do not have to worry about what to say or fear saying the wrong thing. They need to tell their story and be understood. There is power in that word. The longer I study the impact it can make the more impressed I am. Basically we all just want to be understood. All of us have things going on inside of us we would give anything to be able to put into words and have them accepted and understood by some significant person. the most healing thing we can sayThat must really hurt." Sounds strange and certainly different from how we normally approach helping someone in grief or pain. We want to play it down and take their minds off of the pain. They desperately need to say it, and have it understood. To me the key word in grief is significance. When bad things happen to us the first thing we need and want to do is establish the significance of the event. A child with even a slight bruise wants a band-aid and then shows off their boo-boo to everyone they can find. After everyone has seen it, the band-aid can come off. That is human nature. That is establishing significance. If they can establish the significance of what has happened, they can begin to move on. I think folks who seem to park and never get past a grief or trauma were never able to get their pain and loss heard and understood. SO, WHAT CAN WE DO?I know this sounds simplistic but there are more stories needing to be told right now than any time in recent history. We need listening ears and caring hearts to follow three simple words that begin with “H”: HANG AROUND Trust presence. If you are there you have been a help. If you can’t be there physically, then phone calls, Facetime, or other virtual presence is still presence. HUG THEM Trust touch. If appropriate, a hug is worth a thousand words. A hand held can do the same. At this time, we may have to rely on virtual hugs. HUSH Trust silence. We really don’t have to fix it or even have an answer. Just lay ears on them. I have opened a new email address to offer help to any who needs help in listening or anyone who can’t find a place to tell their story. It will be there until I can no longer keep up. Please know that I don’t see well so write it large and as short as possible. Thank you. My email address is [email protected] and my ears are open. This post reprinted with permission from a post of the same name in the Rumblings and Musings of InSight Books. Knowing what to say to a grieving family is difficult for everyone. Read on and learn more about their resources and trainings to better support your families and honor their loved ones. Join us in congratulating Doug Manning’s daughter Glenda Stansbury and all of the InSight family as Glenda is recognized with the Lasting Impact Award for her contributions to the profession from the ICCFA Education Foundation. We are grateful for all that Glenda has done for CANA, our members, and the profession for her caring heart and listening ear, acknowledging where we are and supporting us as we move forward. In 2011, Doug Manning was honored with the Lifetime Achievement Award from Foundation Partners Group. Last year, Glenda Stansbury was named Deathcare Rockstar of the Year and the InSight Institute was given the Experience Creation Award from Cremation Rocks!
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