Early on in my career a mentor of mine said these words to me when I was dealing with some challenges associated with a family we were serving: “It takes all kinds to make the world go round.” I was still fairly new to the funeral service scene and hadn’t experienced the joys of dealing with families that didn't agree or get along very well. This phrase stuck with me all these years and seems perfectly fitted to where our great big crazy funeral service world is these days—or maybe just the world in general. Yet, in many ways I also feel like we have somehow missed the mark in funeral service insofar as actually “seeing” how diverse our profession really is, both internally and related to the families we serve.

You’d be hard pressed to find a funeral director who will tell you that they’ve seen it all. Most agree that no matter how long your career in funeral service may be, you will simply not see everything. I have to say that over these last couple of years, we as funeral service professionals have seen and experienced things that we never thought we would. If recent times have taught us anything, it’s that changing our ways may not have the downside we anticipated.

One of the changes that has been most profound for me has been witnessing firsthand how much more diverse our profession and our clientele are—more so than I had ever realized before. As we enter Pride Month 2022, I’m humbled to say that I have made a small contribution to the long-overdue conversation about bringing more visibility to the LGBTQ+ Community. We need to do this within the funeral service profession while also helping our colleagues learn how to serve our community better. My experience has confirmed that we, as funeral and cremation service providers, must become better attuned to the diversity both in each other and in our clients—which is often staring us right in the face.

Diversity, Equity and Inclusion have generated quite the buzz across many industries of late. And while this recognition is long overdue, it’s clearly here to stay. How will this change the way we provide funeral and cremation services to our families and embrace all employees?

Here are a few thoughts:

If I had a nickel for every time my mother said these very words to me as I grew into a—well let’s say “challenging” adolescent—I would be a wealthy man! But, when you stop and think about it, how we speak to our families and to our fellow employees can be way more impactful than we imagine.

Many years ago, I encountered a situation where a family did not want to mention the partner of one of the deceased’s children in the obituary. That son, by the way, was sitting at the same table as his siblings to make funeral arrangements for their mom. The family felt that it would be awkward to mention his partner since the couple wasn’t married—despite the fact that gay marriage wasn’t even an option at the time. Although it took some effort to contain myself, I assured his siblings that we could and should list anyone who is important to the deceased or her family.

This intervention brought some resolution to the situation while also validating the relationship between the son and his partner. I’ll never forget it.

We should choose our words carefully and, even more importantly, be cognizant of the way we deliver those words. What we say and how we say it to a family could change the trajectory of their entire experience with us, for better or for worse. I hope that son, and his whole family, took my words to heart that day and valued every member of their family.

Today’s families want and need to know what their options are. They want time to make decisions, and they certainly don’t want to feel that they are being spoken down to. We never want them to question if there were other options available after the fact and so must offer them everything from the beginning. So, take a little extra time to think about what you say before you say it, and carve out a little time after serving a family to reflect on what went well, or not so well, and find ways to improve for next time.

When it comes to the workplace, the same concept easily applies. We must have the same sensitivity to the words we say and how we say them when interacting with fellow employees. Fostering an inclusive work environment where diversity is celebrated and not ignored means educating ourselves on inclusive language to accommodate the backgrounds and cultures of our teammates. It does no good for morale for even one single employee to feel discriminated against or  marginalized as less than their colleagues because of their differences. In a profession where compassion and empathy are key to success, it shouldn’t be too challenging to nurture a work environment where all feel included and embraced.

Of all the musicals I had an opportunity to perform in during my high school days, Fiddler on the Roof was by far my favorite. (A video is available to those interested, but I digress.) The crux of the show is the concept of tradition and the struggles that often go along with watching the traditions we have known our whole lives begin to change. In our profession, we often use the term “Traditional Funeral;” however I’ve tried to get away from that because, with over 15 years in this business, it’s been my first-hand experience that just one tradition simply doesn’t exist (and perhaps never really did).

There are numerous customs and traditions associated with everything from the mode of final disposition to how the deceased is memorialized. Throwing the word “tradition” around too much may alienate families that feel self-conscious for not conforming to what funeral professionals  view as traditional. Especially as cremation continues to become more prevalent than ever before, let’s reassure our families that “tradition” is whatever they want to make it and make sure we honor those traditions, whether they match our ideas or not.

I’ll never forget when I offered to have a couple of classic cars parked outside the funeral home during visitation for a family I was working with. This was not a groundbreaking idea by any means, but for them it instantly made them feel seen. They felt that their husband and father, who LOVED working on classic cars, was more than just another person we were caring for and that his life mattered. Perhaps having some hot rods at the funeral home wasn’t what they envisioned as “traditional,” but it certainly was the best fit for them.

If the pandemic has taught us anything it’s that a good shake up in the funeral service industry may have been long overdue. We turned on a dime to respond to the need for offering our families more technology than ever—and were able to provide never-seen-before products and services. We have begun to better recognize that the demographics of funeral service professionals are changing rapidly and that more and more so-called “first generation” funeral professionals are taking on ownership roles within the profession. We simply have to realize that times, they are a-changin’ and we better get on board before it’s too late.

We may not know exactly where we’ll land, but we need to be creative and open to offering today’s families what they’re looking for. We don’t need to make everything up as we go along, but sometimes the best ideas on how to give pause to a loss and pay proper tribute to a life lived come from the places we least expect. My hope is that we end up in a funeral service world where we don’t grasp too firmly to the concept of “This is how we’ve always done it” but rather “Let’s try it.”

Diversity in our workplaces and in the wants and needs of the families we serve each day is quickly earning a front row seat in our profession. A thoughtful and sensitive response is essential to our success. So, do a little homework on diversity, equity, and inclusion and see how you can incorporate it into your world. And by the way, happy Pride.

I have carried a couple of buckets with me for the last twenty years. They are my props when I am talking about what helps people with their grief. I ask someone to hold one of the buckets and tell them to imagine they have just lost a loved one.

The bucket represents their feelings and I asked them to express what feelings they think would be in their bucket. I ask the audience to join in and words like pain, fear, grief, loneliness, empty, anger, guilt and sometimes relief emerge.

I then ask what thoughts would be going through their minds and such phrases as: Can I stand this pain? Who will take care of me now? How much will the funeral cost? What do I need to do now? What is expected of me?

Then I ask what frustrations would be in the bucket and get a large variety of responses. What I am trying to portray is that people in grief are overwhelmed emotionally, mentally, physically and even socially.

Then I produce the second bucket and say, “I also have a bucket. It is full of explanations, platitudes, new ways to think, and scriptures to quote. These are designed to make you feel better and they are all I know how to do.” Then I say the problem is your bucket is full to overflowing. There is no room for what I have to say, and my words run off like water no matter how wonderful they sound. I also say, “I am afraid of your bucket. I don’t know what to say and the intimacy scares me, so I say, ‘I am sorry’ and run.”

I was asked to speak about guilt and anger in grief at a conference for grieving parents. I asked them to tell me what they felt guilty about and many did so. One lady said, “All the way to the hospital my son begged me to turn back. He did not want the transplant, he was afraid. I did not turn back, and he died.”
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I asked her how many times she had heard such things as:

​And she stopped me by saying those did not help and “that last one makes me angry.” Then I asked if it would help if I offered to hug her and said, “That must really hurt?” and she said that would help.

Now why would that help? Because I am acknowledging her pain and not trivializing it. That feels like I am in her bucket with her, and she is not alone. I learned some valuable lessons that day that I would like to share, and think are vitally important to know right now.

We are totally surrounded and enmeshed in a world of full buckets. At this writing more than 50,000 people have died of the virus sweeping our nation [editor’s note: at time of reprint, more than 950,000 people have died in the US alone]. That number must be added to the number of folks that have died of other causes during this time. Add to the buckets of pain the fact that all of those who died in a hospital or healthcare facility died alone with no family or friends to comfort… adding guilt, regret, anger, and a much harder grieving experience to their pain. Many families will not even be able to have the comfort of a funeral or even the chance to see their loved one after they have died.

Add to that the buckets of grief from lost jobs, shattered careers, financial distress, marital strain, children out of school, fears about everything from food shortages to an actual depression and every neighborhood in our world has folks with full buckets.

The great need right now is for us to figure out how to help our friends, loved ones and neighbors empty their buckets. We don’t have to be some kind of professional to be of help. We just need to know how to listen. We need to understand and believe in the awesome power of the listening ear. Maybe sharing what I learned that day, and the fifty years I have spent trying to listen, will be of help.

It never begins in our bucket. We have nothing in our buckets that will empty theirs. There are no magic words or phrases that will heal. Buckets are only being emptied when the one holding it is doing the talking. As they talk, they are bleeding off the feelings and emotions that are flooding their minds and hearts.

This means we do not have to worry about what to say or fear saying the wrong thing. They need to tell their story and be understood. There is power in that word. The longer I study the impact it can make the more impressed I am. Basically we all just want to be understood. All of us have things going on inside of us we would give anything to be able to put into words and have them accepted and understood by some significant person.

Sounds strange and certainly different from how we normally approach helping someone in grief or pain. We want to play it down and take their minds off of the pain. They desperately need to say it, and have it understood.
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To me the key word in grief is significance. When bad things happen to us the first thing we need and want to do is establish the significance of the event. A child with even a slight bruise wants a band-aid and then shows off their boo-boo to everyone they can find. After everyone has seen it, the band-aid can come off. That is human nature. That is establishing significance. If they can establish the significance of what has happened, they can begin to move on. I think folks who seem to park and never get past a grief or trauma were never able to get their pain and loss heard and understood.

I know this sounds simplistic but there are more stories needing to be told right now than any time in recent history. We need listening ears and caring hearts to follow three simple words that begin with “H”:

HANG AROUND
Trust presence. If you are there you have been a help. If you can’t be there physically, then phone calls, Facetime, or other virtual presence is still presence.

HUG THEM
Trust touch. If appropriate, a hug is worth a thousand words. A hand held can do the same. At this time, we may have to rely on virtual hugs.

HUSH
Trust silence. We really don’t have to fix it or even have an answer. Just lay ears on them.

I have opened a new email address to offer help to any who needs help in listening or anyone who can’t find a place to tell their story. It will be there until I can no longer keep up. Please know that I don’t see well so write it large and as short as possible. Thank you. My email address is [email protected] and my ears are open.

This post reprinted with permission from a post of the same name in the Rumblings and Musings of InSight Books. Knowing what to say to a grieving family is difficult for everyone. Read on and learn more about their resources and trainings to better support your families and honor their loved ones.

Join us in congratulating Doug Manning’s daughter Glenda Stansbury and all of the InSight family as Glenda is recognized with the Lasting Impact Award for her contributions to the profession from the ICCFA Education Foundation. We are grateful for all that Glenda has done for CANA, our members, and the profession for her caring heart and listening ear, acknowledging where we are and supporting us as we move forward.
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In 2011, Doug Manning was honored with the Lifetime Achievement Award from Foundation Partners Group. Last year, Glenda Stansbury was named Deathcare Rockstar of the Year and the InSight Institute was given the Experience Creation Award from Cremation Rocks!
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When the US economic crisis of 2008, forced individuals and families to become more budget-conscious. As a result, people got resourceful and creativity flourished, especially when it came to memorializing loved ones. In some cases, this meant the funeral director was cut out of the equation entirely or left on the outside looking in.
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I don't think it has to be that way. You can reposition your role and partner with these DIY people, these family members that want to work behind the scenes and bring additional value to their life tribute event.

I want you to think about the family members that you've sat across from who are the DIY consumer. I want you to think about yourself and your friends and family who have the DIY bug and think about the feeling when you complete a DIY project. It is that sense of satisfaction. It is happiness that you feel. The new Man Cave is the She Shed! It's where the DIY consumer gets the solitude, the focus, and the space to complete these projects. These projects that are an instant mood enhancer for them. And that's how these family members feel. This isn't just something that they do on a whim.

And the most famous DIY-ers? Martha Stewart has been around for decades. Chip and Joanna Gaines started with one home decor store and now they have their own television network. Ben and Erin Napier and the Property Brothers are part of the HGTV Family. Brit Morin is known as the digital Martha Stewart, and Tommy Walsh is one of the most well-known international DIY personalities.

And now, because of YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok, we've seen the explosion of DIY bloggers all over the world. Some bloggers have their own sites or they use social media sites to reach out to potential DIY-ers. And it is their eagerness to provide video tutorials – step-by-step guides – to invite and encourage people to be a part of the DIY world. It is evident that the DIY world is expanding and here to stay.

Data shows that 50% of DIY consumers are female and 52% are between the ages of 24 and 44 – a mix of Gen X and Millennials. We know that DIY projects are directly tied to life changing events: a graduation, an engagement, getting married, having a baby, buying a home, and, we can add, the death of a family member. Every time there's a milestone or something big happening in their family, they have an event. They bring people together. They honor old family traditions. They start their new traditions, and it's not just about their immediate family, but they bring in their extended family and they also reach out to their large social circle of friends to be a part of those special moments.
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And, because of that, a life tribute event will most likely be the topic of conversation among many of the attendees. It will be the word-of-mouth marketing that funeral homes want! But—guess what? That funeral director will fade into the background and simply be seen as the person who provided the place and took care of the disposition.

Here are three ways to partner with those individuals to help you and your entire team avoid getting left out of the conversation when a DIY consumer appears in that arrangement conference.

SPEAK TO YOUR CREDIBILITY
The words “licensed funeral director” carried a lot of weight for many, many years. Then, we needed to say “licensed funeral director and cremation specialist.” Now we need to add a third line of credibility, and that is your “creative” credibility. That DIY consumer needs to hear, in the very beginning of that arrangement conference, that you are creative, that you're willing to explore ideas, and that you have resources to execute their vision.

BE THE IDEA GENERATOR
What I hear most from funeral directors is that they don't have the extra budget or the extra time to do the “wow” factor for a family. I understand that, so think of yourself as an idea generator instead. It builds your credibility. It says: We are creative. We want to help you. For example, "it was interesting to hear about your sister's involvement with Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library. I was thinking of a few different ways we could honor that part of her life."

KEEP RESOURCES HANDY
Have websites, magazines, and books available for your funeral directors to enable them as idea generators. Know the websites that consumers are going to directly. These are three from my extensive list of websites:
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beau-coup.com is a wedding and baby shower website (I forewarn you), but they have every possible keepsake, covering all different hobbies and interests, and can be personalized with shipping options to ensure items arrive in time for a tribute.

stylemepretty.com collects wedding ideas from all over the world to find out what brides are doing, what the trends are, and what resources that they're utilizing. If I was looking for tropical - Hindu - Jewish funeral ideas, I could go to Style Me Pretty to get some inspiration. And that's what you're going to find: a combination of cultures, hobbies and interests that bring it all together. And it's not just pictures: it is the resources and the vendors, too.

pinterest.com is ideal for free consumer research. Hop on and type in the search box “my funeral” or “mom's funeral” or “dad's funeral” and look at all the Pinterest boards that have those names. And these are just the public-facing samples! These are the ideas that people are collecting, that they're thinking about, so when the time comes, they go to their Pinterest board and see what they've collected over the past couple of years for a loved one or for themselves.

"When families participate, they remember. When they remember, they grieve. And when they grieve, they love." Remembering Well, by Sarah York
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That's the impact that you can have on these family members who want to have those DIY moments with other family members behind the scenes before that tribute takes place.

Death Doulas may seem like a new or progressive idea, but they are as old as death itself. In many cultures throughout history, mental, spiritual, physical and emotional support have been a fundamental part of the transition to death. Today, such support is rare, especially in Western cultural settings which tend to avoid discussions about death. A survey by The Conversation Project concluded that 90% of people say that talking with loved ones about end of life is important, yet only 27% have actually done so.
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In April, Ashley Johnson led a Crucial Conversation about death doulas as part of The Art and Science of Cremation: Crucial Conversation Series in April 2021. Because the topic is so intriguing, we wanted to follow up and share her experience and insight in the blog.

My death care career was inspired by growing up in a low socio-economic neighborhood that lacked advocacy on how to deal with end-of-life practices. When death happened, families were not mentally, emotionally, and financially prepared. As a result, they were not healing from this trauma.

My interest in funeral service started as a child, I would read the Sunday obituaries instead of the comics. I was motivated to become an end-of-life doula when my childhood friend was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at the age of 27. I was doing the task of an end-of-life doula for her without knowing it. Once she transitioned, I saw fit to provide others in need of education, service, and companionship and continue this journey. Everyone deserves “good death” and families need proper closure.

After more than a decade in the death care industry, I launched Loyal Hands, an End-of-Life consulting agency I founded to provide death doula services in Orlando, Florida. I joined CANA in 2018 and began working with the Membership Advisory Group to build my network of deathcare professionals.

End of Life Doulas, or EOLDs also called Death Doulas or Death Midwives, enrich the dying experience for patients, family members and friends, while strengthening the relationship between medical (the doctors, nurses, social workers) and non-medical support (the family or caretakers). We are trained professionals who provide assistance and guidance with holistic services to individuals and their families during transformative life changes.

Doula-client relationships engage the difficult and complex emotions while navigating the signs and symptoms of the dying process. An end of life care team is made up of multiple different professionals ranging from doctors, nurses, social workers, and End of Life Doulas to foster a culture of equity in order to facilitate a good death. We strive to be a support system for those who are terminally ill, elderly, or healthy and their families as they plan for their transition. A death doula's work ranges from logistical planning for the time before, during and after of death; conducting rituals or comforting practices; helping the dying person reflect on their life and values; and explaining the bodily functions of dying to caregivers.

Doulas are an active part of the Death Positive movement, a social and philosophical movement that encourages people to speak openly about death, dying, and everything in between. Death Positive seeks to eliminate the silence around death-related topics, decrease anxiety surrounding death, and dismantle the foundation of inequality, racism, and social marginalization at end of life.

NEDA is a great organization because it helps inspire positive, creative end of life practices for the dying, their loved ones, and the agencies involved which includes funeral homes, hospice and palliative care.

Consumers and deathcare-related businesses can find an end-of-life doula at the National End of Life Alliance website. Because the industry is currently unregulated, it is recommended that people interview an end of life doula before hiring them, just as they likely would a birth doula.

Death doulas are NOT competitors with funeral service but rather complement the death care industry by providing additional support and community resources for deceased and their families. There are laws governing what death doulas can and cannot do just as with traditional death care. Funeral directors interact with families post death while end of life doulas are present with families before, during, and after death occurs.

In my own work with funeral homes, I have provided respite care to the families immediately after the death and provide periodic follow ups and aftercare. It’s the customer service that keeps families coming back. As we all know, people will not remember what you said but they will remember how you made them feel.

The difference between hospice and death doulas is that death doulas do not provide medical care. Instead, death doulas work in conjunction with hospice programs to provide interpersonal, social, logistical, and spiritual guidance that complements the care they receive in hospice.

Hospice care is regulated by Medicare rules, limiting the time staff is allowed to spend with patients and families. The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO) has just put together an End-of-Life Doula Council to share with hospices and families the ways in which Professional End of Life Doulas can assist their work. NHPCO is encouraging hospices to hire doulas to complete the hospice team by filling in “the gaps in care” and allowing for the best end of life experience.
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Death doulas also step into other areas where hospice and funeral homes may need help, such as:

Death Doulas are here to serve humanity. We serve anyone ranging from young, elderly, terminally ill, healthy, caretakers and even pets. End of life doulas complement the care from hospitals, hospices, and funeral homes by filling in the gaps that occur during the dying process.

Every doula is different. Some assist only the healthy, some assist only the dying. This is why it is best to interview doula to see what their specialty is. Doulas may also be celebrants, hospice staff, or even massage therapists. Keep in mind each doula has their own specialty. Some may prefer to work only with advance directives while others may prefer legacy projects, but all are dedicated to supporting their client and community in this transition.

End of Life Doulas are not simply a trend or a fad. Roughly 10,000 people turn 65 each day in the US, so more and more elders—as well as those with life-limiting illness—will need our services. Families are bringing new values, preferences, and opinions that are changing the world of funeral service. They are thinking differently about how they want to honor their loved ones and have new perceptions of the funeral service profession.

Death care is changing rapidly, with ongoing expansion of the industry. There is a demand for change in the way we care for the deceased, both physically and emotionally. Death doulas help bridge the gap between families and death care businesses. Having a death doula is helpful when a family has little experience with death or when they are afraid of confronting death. The death doula can act as a liaison between the family and the funeral home, helping to educate families about the options available to them and easing what can often be a difficult or painful arrangement process.

We offer a variety of services that include helping a person write their own obituary; assisting with legal paperwork, including advance directives, health care proxies, and wills; creating a peaceful, loving atmosphere at death; and, most importantly, providing grief care before, during, and after death of a loved one. Death doulas can help families reduce confusion and mistrust when interacting with death care professionals. Doulas also educate people to know that they have choices. Funeral professionals, including doulas, want loved ones to be able to honor those who have died as much as they were honored in life. We all encourage creating a ceremony and a final resting place that reflects who the deceased was and what they cared for. We ultimately want to bring families and communities into the death space and normalize it.

There are so many benefits that death doulas can provide death care business. We can help obtain earlier referrals and connect the dying to a funeral business. Doula services increase satisfaction which leads to more referrals and reduced intake stress. Connecting with local death doulas can be as simple as a google search because most end-of-life doulas offer a free consultation to help people find the right match. You can also browse through the National End Of Life Doulas Alliance (NEDA) directory to find an End of Life Doula in your area. 

That is my favorite joke describing 2020. It’s funny because it’s true. The pandemic spread of COVID-19 came out of nowhere and changed everything and everyone. Our best intentions, planning and hard work could not have prepared us for the challenges of a triple pandemic – disease, social turmoil, and political unrest.

When faced with uncertainty and continuous change, I have been amazed by how quickly and well CANA members have adapted, particularly in responding to trends that were impacting funeral service before the pandemic and will continue to be important in the year to come.
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Reflecting on 2020, it seems clear that death care workers returned to fundamentals to find solutions for dealing with such cataclysmic change. Now, as we start 2021, we can take a moment to set goals and priorities to meet the challenges to come. CANA cohosted a webinar in 2020 with DISRUPT Media during which we asked industry experts to comment on key trends. Some of those pearls of wisdom are included throughout this post.

As recently as February 2020 (at the CANA Cremation Symposium) we were discussing incremental change to serve families. We had no way of knowing that days later the world would turn upside down. Seemingly overnight, funeral directors pivoted to offer livestreamed services, online and phone arrangements, and new strategies to manage staff and operations remotely. Many of these early activities were conducted with no more sophisticated equipment than smart phones. We have come a long way since then, or have we?

This is the year to upgrade your technology game. Everything from arrangements to funerals to continuing education will continue to be offered online. Invest in stable, fast internet and computers with web cameras sooner rather than later. Software advances can help with everything from case management to first calls and staff coordination. Grow your online offerings to meet the consumer where they are.

Technology will remain the key to brand awareness and marketing success as well. But beware that you will sell what you market. If you are promoting low-cost, minimal service cremations online and via social media, that is what they’ll buy. Now is the time to use these platforms to educate your communities about the services you can (safely) offer with the help of technology and your facilities. Also, amplify local news on your social media channels. Facebook is the host for most local news and outlets and governments. Even in large cities, neighborhoods will have Facebook pages. We are spending more time online during the pandemic than ever before, and good news stands out. Let your feed be the bright spot as well as source for obituaries and practical tips.

You offer solutions to problems that death-averse consumers weren’t willing to discuss or plan for nine months ago. Preneed sales have increased during the pandemic, but have you effectively communicated your ability to help them discuss and make plans?

Your creativity and problem-solving are your best assets, and your communities need you now more than ever.

When my grandmother died in March and we had a livestreamed graveside and Zoom celebration of her life, we discussed gathering over the summer to have a family reunion in her honor. Needless to say that didn’t happen, and we aren’t going to gather this year or probably ever for that purpose. I gave the funeral home a 5-star review on Google, however they returned thousands of dollars of preneed funds earmarked for the funeral to the estate. How many families have you served in a similar situation? How many have come back to do that delayed service? Or did they simply make do?

Have we accelerated the trend toward cremation without services by funeral professionals? Only time will tell. Human beings are strange creatures – we crave what we can’t have – so it is quite possible that when funerals are permitted, there will be an increase. In the meantime, many CANA members have offered community-based memorial services. Some these are purely virtual, some are a hybrid of small in-person gathering with livecasting. I watched several in November and December and each acknowledged that we are grieving more than the loss of loved ones. That was a welcome and comforting message.

The stats on people accomplishing New Year’s resolutions is depressingly low, however goal setting is still valuable and really the best way to track success. We see gaps in service and opportunities for improvement during our busy times, precisely when there is no time to tackle a new project. So write your ideas down and keep track of them. A break will come and that is the perfect time to set your priorities for new projects or improved procedures.
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Did you always mean to start an aftercare program? Get on it! Still not sure how to understand all of the financial data and business metrics? Set up a meeting with your accountant or take a class. Still not sure what social media can do for your business? Ask for help and try a campaign. Make relevant continuing education a priority for all of your staff and yourself. Set goals and measure progress toward them. Then celebrate your successes. This is the best way to focus on the important and not just the urgent.

Now, we’re facing a new calendar year, but this real-time, continuous risk management experiment that we are living has not gone away. Hopefully, we will soon have new tools to combat the disease, like easier access to PPE and vaccines, and also to support ourselves and each other.

We have learned to safely serve our communities through deadly viruses before, and COVID-19, too, will likely remain with us. PPE works, and – with continued engagement and creativity – we will find the tools to serve our communities and navigate 2021.

My thoughts are with you during the next phase of this continuing crisis. On behalf of the staff and leadership of the Cremation Association of North America, happy new year.

WEBINAR EXCERPTS FROM NOTABLE INDUSTRY EXPERTS:

Rahsaan Brown is CEO and owner of Blue Nebula Consulting, a nationally scaled organization that focuses on assisting funeral homes build their sales and marketing departments.

Jeff Harbeson, a.k.a. the Funeral Commander, is the Director of Cash Flow Solutions at C&J Financial, where his specialty is producing accounts receivables and increasing cash flow. He is a former funeral home owner.

Ryan Thogmartin of DISRUPT Media is CEO of ConnectingDirectors.com, Price My Funeral, and Death Care Jobs, as well as the Funeral Nation co-host, along with Jeff Harbeson.

Glenda Stansbury is the vice president of InsightBooks, a publisher of books on grief and aftercare. She is also a licensed funeral director and embalmer. She is the co-founder and the trainer for certified celebrant training.
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Dean Lambert is the Marketing Communications Officer for Homesteaders Life Company and has been with them for a little over 22 years. He’s worked with funeral homes to help with marketing, communications, and promotions since 1991, so he’s approaching his 30th year with the profession.

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

I am reaching out to you because you have been a resource and guide for families.

Times are so very strange and challenging and fearful right now and we know that everyone is scrambling to figure out how we honor our dead and support our bereaved from a distance. This is our daily struggle. I know you are dealing with so many questions and unknowns and facing families on their worst day with very few answers to give them. I also know that many churches and clergy are not available to conduct funerals for anyone—even their own church members. Local governments across the world are already telling families they cannot attend funerals. Now we are faced with a world-wide experience that no one could prepare for. We are here, to care for the dead and speak for the bereaved. You are a hero every day, and especially today.

Now is our time to shine. Whether you are a licensed funeral director, a Celebrant, clergy, officiant, chaplain—or one of those myriads of other roles who serve families—we have a bunch of talented and creative people here. Let's think about how to create services that capture the moment and invite people to feel close even when they can't be there.

What I want to offer to each of you is this—if you have families who would like to have a small service now, reach out to a Celebrant in your area, or use my free resource to inspire you, and find a way to connect families at this difficult time. Arrange to meet with them by phone or Facetime or Zoom and gather the stories and put together a service that you can give them now by webcast, or just by print.
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Some of you may find yourself needing to do more family meetings by phone, Facetime or Skype. If you are not familiar with how to do those, ask a teenager—they are out of school with nothing to do right now so they can be your tech support.

Phone family meetings are challenging and you will need to work a little harder to connect with the family and to get them to open up. There's just nothing like face-to-face meetings, but that may not be possible right now.

Some of you may find yourself doing services via webcasting or video or for family only. These situations can also be challenging, but just keep focusing on meeting the needs of the family and the best way to tell the unique story of their loved one, no matter who is sitting in front of you. Or not, as the case may be.

For example—virtual candle lighting ceremonies—invite everyone who is watching to go find a candle/flashlight/something that can light up. Play some quiet background music to give people a moment to do that. Then have everyone light their lights at the same time. Even if you are not on a virtual platform where people can see each other, we can talk about the power of thoughts and presence being represented by our lights.

That's just one that popped into my head.

My thought is two-fold—the fear is, if they walk away now they’ll never come back. If they have a service already prepared and ready, they might be more willing to come back and actually have a chapel service. Or, at the least, they will just have the words to read that will hopefully provide some comfort and guidance for them in this very dark and lonely time and they will be grateful to the funeral home for providing this.

Grief does not wait and demands that we embrace it. We all are grieving our losses right now--loss of movement, loss of income, loss of friends and family, loss of security, loss of trust. A death just magnifies those feelings and the sense of isolation. As the people who are trained for this work, we can help families walk this path and give words of solace and comfort and ways to put the stories in a place that will help.

Every life deserves to be celebrated. Even when we are together from afar.

These are difficult times, for the families, for the funeral directors, for the Celebrants, for everyone. So, let's support each other, be kind, be generous, be vigilant—and wash your hands!

Let me know how we can stand with you in this uncertain time. We are all partners in serving families, even on the hardest days.

Take care and be well!!

The first thing to consider is how the services will be presented.

Some firms already offer webcasting and are comfortable and positioned for this situation. Others will be figuring out very rapidly how to procure the equipment and software and skills.

There are professional companies that offer streaming services on a per service or a monthly fee. You have probably already been contacted by some of these companies in the past few days.

There are public platforms such as Zoom, Facebook Live, Go to Meeting, WebX, etc. Consult with others who have used any of these platforms or services for advice or tips on what works or pitfalls to avoid. For example, Gordon Welch, Executive Director of the Oklahoma Funeral Directors Association informed us that Facebook routinely mutes music streamed on Facebook Live. Apparently, Facebook’s agreements with song producers require Facebook to mute music broadcast over the platform. Unfortunately, BMI, ASCAP and SESAC are not parties to these agreements so there is no way to solve the muting problems with Facebook. Therefore platforms like Zoom, Vimeo or Skype who are not parties to the same type of music copyright infringements agreements work better but still require a webcasting license.

LIVE STREAM WITH FAMILY PRESENT WITH NO PARTICIPANTS VISIBLE ON THE SCREEN.

​Suggestions:

LIVE STREAM WITH OR WITHOUT FAMILY PRESENT AND PARTICIPANTS ARE VISIBLE ON THE SCREEN

Suggestions:

TAPING FOR LATER BROADCAST

OUTSIDE SERVICES

Download the free Ceremonies to Celebrate Together From Afar Resource for Challenging Times as a pdf here.

With everyone seeking information on COVID-19 right now, CANA plans to host a weekly conference call for our members to convene and ask questions of one another, talk best practices, and learn together about COVID-19. Check your inbox for instructions to join, or contact Membership Manager Brie Bingham for more information.

CANA continues to frequently update a blog entry related to COVID-19 as new information becomes available. Be sure to bookmark the blog post and revisit as needed: GoCANA.org/covid19.

I would like to go back in time to the early ‘60s when cremation first came on the profession’s radar, and find that first funeral director who said, “Well, I guess I shouldn’t charge as much for this since I’m not embalming or casketing” and take him out. I’m not a violent person by nature, but really?? That idea got started somewhere and we all just went along with it. Sure, let’s charge less for something that takes just as much time to accomplish, has much more liability, and requires just as much staff involvement. That makes perfect business sense.

Within that nonsense also was created the message to families that they were somehow lesser-thans or 2nd class funeral customers. I actually worked for an owner who said to families, “We bury our dead, we burn our trash.”

Because we didn’t take these families seriously and did not take their needs for a meaningful funeral service to heart, they left. Why would I pay $8,000 to someone who thinks I’m not as important as the people who buy the box? I can be ignored at the $695 box-and-burn immediate disposer who is more than willing to take my money and do nothing else for me.

Families are hiring us to perform a service. If I hire an orthopedist to perform surgery on my shoulder, his price is for the surgery. He doesn’t talk about which instruments he might have to use or the amount of time it might take or how many nurses will have to be in the room. He says, “This is my price to fix your shoulder.” Why can’t we have a price for body preparation? Yes, we’d have to figure out the correct GPL language but we could certainly have more productive conversations with our client families if we didn’t have an if/then/or approach to pricing.

Yes, for a small group of people the cremation choice is made based upon cost. But the large majority are choosing cremation based upon control. These people have attended bad services in their past and are determined that they are not going to go to another one. If I have a burial, then I’m beholden to the funeral director to get the casket from point A to point B and so I’m stuck with whatever service is offered to me. I can’t throw the casket in the back of my car and drive off and arrange a service that fits me. But I can walk out with an urn in my hand and have control over the type of service that I hold.

We’ve all been to “bad” services. The cookie-cutter, insert name here, hope someone says the name correctly, impersonal ritual that offers nothing about the person and what his death will mean to those mourning his loss. Every time one of these boring, hurtful or meaningless services occurs, another immediate disposition/no service is created. People say “When I die, don’t do that!”

Cremation offers a choice, a sense of control over what happens in a memorial service. Does that mean that most are held at someone’s house or at a bar or a restaurant with toasts and stories? Probably. Does that mean that the value of having a gathering that celebrates the life and explores the grief and provides a guidepost for mourning the loss is lost? Definitely.

STORY 1
Once I served as a Celebrant for an 80 year-old-man who died of suicide. It was a difficult service, but we honored his life and talked about the depression over health issues that caused him to make such a choice. We discussed what the grief journey was going to look like for those who were trying to make sense of the death. We encouraged the standing room only crowd to be an integral part of the family’s next steps as they turned tears into memories. It was a pretty good service.

That afternoon I received an email from a woman who was in attendance begging me for a copy of the service. This lady tracked me down and said she needed a copy of my words. So, I asked the family for permission and I sent her a copy. Her backstory was this—her son died of a heroin overdose and her daughter, his twin, died of suicide four years before. They did not have funerals either time. They cremated, then met at a restaurant and told stories. They did not trust that someone could handle such delicate and hard situations, so they just avoided. She needed those words to help her on her own grief journey. This happens hundreds of times across the country to our Celebrants.

Until we change the service experience for those families, they will continue to walk away. Our pricing, our lovely chapels, our offers of assistance—they’ve been there and done that and don’t trust us to be able to do something that is meaningful.
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Which brings us to the final C:

My bedrock message is “Celebrants can change your business, Celebrants can change your families, Celebrants can bring your cremation families back to your firm.”

The religious landscape of our country is changing. The percentage of people who identify as a “None”—not religiously affiliated, not engaged with a church—is rapidly growing. Statistics from the Pew Research report show that almost 25% of the overall population now considers themselves “nones” and over 35% of millennials are disenfranchised with religious experiences.

This has incredible implications for funeral service. Some funerals homes have stained glass windows, Bibles in the foyer, hymns on the speakers and scriptures on their websites. There is nothing wrong with having an ability to serve your religious families, but today anywhere from 25% to 80% of your community does not identify or resonate with those representations. If all you have to offer is a minister and a religious experience, they are going elsewhere.
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High “nones” equal high cremation rates. It’s just that simple.

Celebrants are the answer for a majority of your cremation families. So many of them are not offered any options by their funeral professional. So, they either opt for the rent-a-minister or do nothing. Another immediate disposition walks out of the door.

When someone attends a service where every word of the service is focused on the life, on the family, and on the grief experience, their decisions can change significantly. “Oh. . .we can have this kind of service? Then I’m willing to talk to the funeral director about paying for THAT” Over 50% of the services I perform through referrals from funeral homes in my city come from someone who attended another service and came back and asked for that Celebrant. People pay for value. People pay for meaning. People pay for gatherings that heal.

My friend, Ernie Heffner from York, PA, ran numbers on his Celebrant services and found that cremation families who used a Celebrant spent 36% more on other goods and services. It’s not about the money. It’s about the value, the experience, the assurance that someone is going to hear their stories, to honor the life and work with them to put together a service that fits them. People pay for meaning.

STORY 2
I did a service for a man in his 40’s who drank himself to death. He left an estranged wife, a 19 year old daughter, 18 year old son, and a brother who was a recovering alcoholic himself. This meant two hours of slogging through a lot of baggage and feelings to get to the stories and to give them permission to say what was needed. But we put together a service that honored his life while being honest about his struggles and his demons.

After the service, the brother handed me a thank you card with $300 in it. The funeral home had already given me a check for my Celebrant fee of $400. I said, “Oh, you’ve already paid me.” He said, “Please just take it.” The card read “Thank you for performing J’s service and I especially thank you for the time you spent with us Sunday evening. I’m hoping it provided as much healing to the others as it did for me. Thank you.” People pay for healing gatherings.

We’ve been saying this since 1999: Families need a service to begin their grief journey in a healthy and honest way. Unless we are willing to provide the professionals and the services that they are looking for, they are going to walk away. When families have options, funeral homes are going to lose every time unless their option is better, more appealing and soul touching.
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Looking at everything we do when it comes to serving the cremation family—pricing, style of service, presentation of choices, availability to Celebrants who can do exactly what the family wants and needs – is the only way that full-service funeral professionals are going to stay in business. How we deal with all of the C words will determine how much farther down the road we get to travel.

The first US hospice was established in 1974 and viewed as an alternative to current heathcare options for those at the end of life. Kim explained that, in many cases, traditional healthcare establishments were not welcoming, so hospice professionals had to fight for respect. The largest growth of hospice care providers in America occurred after Congress passed legislation in 1982 to create a Medicare hospice benefit allowing Medicare/Medicaid to fund hospice care. As of 2014, there were 6,100 hospices nationwide and more entering the market every year.

Most hospice care is not a non-profit endeavor but rather care provided by for-profit organizations and keenly attuned to demographics, networking, market shares and the competition. Ernie described that hospice organizations have changed significantly from the volunteer-based approach some of us may remember from the early days of hospice care and now have first-class marketing graphics and a business plan to match. The close personal relationship of a hospice care provider with surviving family members does not end with the patient’s death but can extend for more than a year after.

Ernie researched and reported many of the following statistics from the website of the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization.

Hospice care providers are a very special, caring group of people. They are held in high regard by the families they serve. Their opinions and advice are trusted. They are passionate, dedicated, and tenacious. There is little turnover, and even those who do leave often move to another hospice.

No other healthcare professional actively talks to family about the end of a life and planning the way a hospice care provider does. Kim explained that they do whatever is in their power to reunite families and meet patients’ needs, they are flexible and open-minded, and they figure out how to provide the best end-of-life experience possible. Ernie recommends the chapter “The Power of Presence” in Doug Manning’s book, The Funeral, to appreciate the connection and relationship hospice care providers have with families.

Almost half of all deceased people in the US last year were under hospice care before they ever got to a funeral home, crematory, cemetery, or anatomical gift registry. That’s significant, because unless you have a great community engagement program, a family’s first contact about funeral plans is hospice staff. Social workers ask patients and families about their wishes and intentions long before you see them. Statistically, these caregivers have built a very personal relationship with almost half of these families immediately prior to the death of their loved ones. If that doesn’t motivate you to think about what you’re doing in your community and your hospice outreach, I don’t know what will.

The average length of hospice stay is about 70 days. That’s a long time to create a relationship with the family. 59% of hospice patients receive in-home care. Hospice staff go in, day after day, and build that relationship and gather the details of their lives and their family dynamics. It’s a very different situation – we get three days, they get almost three months to hold those really hard conversations about really hard parts of a patient’s life. In that role, they become trusted advisors and the go-to people for all things related to death and dying.

The average hospice caregiver, no matter how well-intentioned, only knows as much about funeral service as someone who goes to a lot of funerals. Most are invited, and attend, many patient’s services and thus see many local funeral homes. But, there’s no aspect of hospice training that goes into the ins and outs of funeral service.

We use a lot of trade-specific information and technical jargon that is confusing to families and just as confusing to those caregivers. And if these people go to a lot of funerals, it means they go to a lot of bad ones, too. What does that caregiver think after they leave? If the next family asks, “What should we do?” they might not recommend your funeral home because they remember that bad service.

Some funeral directors ask, “Why do they tell them to do the cheapest thing?” Kim reminds us that the social worker has seen their hospital bills, heard about maxed-out credit cards, and sat with the widow afraid of losing the house after losing her husband. That social worker is not concerned about whether the funeral home is interested in offering an upgraded casket. If the social worker sees you trying to sell the family anything, they might remind them that they don’t need it. It’s not right or wrong—it’s just the way it is. We can talk about “that’s not her role” or “the family might have wanted to do something nice and she took their choice away,” but you’re talking about a dynamic where she was protecting them. Hospice social workers and caregivers take their role as advocates very seriously. They value collaboration. That means if you can create a relationship and build trust, you can position yourself as an advocate of the family, and you can collaborate on the process. If they see you acting in the best interest of their families, they will support you.

By the time the hospice family comes to the funeral home, you need to understand what they’ve been through. You are professional and passionate members of funeral service, but terminal illness is different. In a hospice situation, the family often has the opportunity to come together and say goodbye. Sometimes, they’ve done it three or four times. They’ve done the first part of the grieving process. They've had a lot of time to talk about death, to think about death, and often have additional support via hospice resources to prepare and guide them. The family is often present at the time of death, and it’s not unusual for them to have a brief ceremony right then. Kim explains that, the presence of the family, the words of the chaplain, the goodbye to their loved one – after that, they may not need a traditional funeral to process their grief. And it’s important for funeral professionals to understand that.

That’s not to say that there isn’t need or opportunity for service and ceremony, but we must remember that those in hospice have declined for a long time. Their survivors often say “I don’t want people to see my loved one like that.” It’s hard for families to think about a visitation because of the change that illness has brought. They don’t want their friends and families to remember the deceased that way, or worse, not recognize their loved one anymore. But they don’t necessarily understand what you can do about that. They don't always understand how body preparation can make a big difference—whether they agree to full embalming (which can reduce swelling or return moisture) or merely a shave and a haircut (which can make them look like themselves again).

Lastly, you know that these families are spread out, so they’ve spent time and money on travel in addition to the financial costs of long-term care, lost time at work and time with their immediate families. They are exhausted physically, emotionally, and financially. And this stress has likely heightened any kind of disagreements about medical care and funeral planning.

Developing a meaningful relationship with hospice care providers in the community is not about dropping off cookies at Christmas. It is a commitment to education that can benefit all concerned, providing the families we mutually serve with seamless and meaningful end-of-life transition. Ernie provides three key strategies for starting your hospice relationship:

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, internationally acclaimed grief counselor, author and educator, has said “Education starts with understanding the people we serve.” To that point, it is helpful to review the demographic and societal statistics of your community, understand how these facts dramatically impact end-of-life service providers, and embrace the adaptations needed by the profession—including further education and training—in order to remain prospectively relevant to contemporary consumers.

Like Ernie says, life is about relationships and experiences. We are in the business of celebrating the life of the individual by recognizing how they touched the lives of others. Our mission is to orchestrate and direct a meaningful ceremony with compassion, flexibility and options and in way that is as unique as the person who died.

From May 18-20, 2017, CANA staff members were privileged to participate in the InSight Institute’s Celebrant Training presented by Doug Manning and Glenda Stansbury.


As association staff, we're responsible not only for responding to the needs of our members and the industry, but also monitoring the changing winds of consumer preference and practitioner trends and understanding the difference between fads and forward thinking. InSight’s excellent celebrant training spoke to all of these concerns, describing new consumer preferences in an increasingly secular world and illuminating what the role of a funeral director is and can be.
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Taking the class with industry professionals allowed us to hear stories about their work with families outside of their crematory operations and their perspective on the role of the funeral director. The thoughtful class lectures, case studies, and the final project assignment challenged preconceived notions of how our members interact with families, what consumers want, and the heart of real service to communities. We've all gained an understanding we did not have before.

Personalization Isn't Product.

I once read an unintentionally humorous article about the right number of accessories to wear based on a codified point system where certain items were worth certain points and you weren't ready to leave the house until you'd scored well. I think we can all see that, while well-intentioned, this method is ridiculous. And, like something as personal as style, you can't codify quality and sell keepsakes and products to add up points and score something as personal as memorialization. It's about knowing your audience—your own style in the case of accessorizing—and listening to a family's wants and needs in end-of-life planning.
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The funeral director is the expert in options, but listening and guiding is the next step to making personalization a matter of course. Families can't be coded and assigned urns, keepsakes, and options based on assumptions about their spending, love for the deceased, or style. And it's only when consumers trust that they're being heard without judgment that they will talk and share. From there, the right products, like the right accessories, will come.

​Watching Doug Manning and Glenda Stansbury present this workshop was a revelation. It was evident that they’ve spent many years thinking about people and grief and a meaningful way to help families and friends work through the deaths of the significant individuals in their lives—and find deeply personalized ways to remember them. Amidst the current revolution in consumer interaction with the death care industry, Doug and Glenda have developed a powerful response that was inspiring to witness. They’ve truly brought the art of listening to a new level and they lay out clear strategies to incorporate listening into interactions with those that seek their assistance.
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The wealth of information and the creative and insightful approach shared by these experts has broad applications to the issues we consider as we work to serve CANA’s members and their best interests. CANA’s staff does not include any funeral directors or cremationists, so we benefit from hearing real-world experiences. Such stories helps us to see the through the eyes of the people who belong to CANA.

As the education director, I was excited to participate in Celebrant training to make sure CANA education incorporates best practices and well-rounded perspectives. But I got more than I was expecting. My father died when I was 19. He was cremated and we had a memorial service for him. During the celebrant training, we talked a lot about the importance of a funeral or memorial service in beginning the healing process. As I thought back to my father’s service, I began to appreciate what my step-mother did, instead of resent it. She had taken control of planning my father’s service and what resulted was far different than anything the rest of the family was expecting. In other words, a traditional service. What we attended instead was a highly personalized celebration. Various people told stories about my father that I hadn’t heard before, and we played his favorite music. It was exactly what it should have been, but twenty years ago I didn’t understand that and still didn’t until I attended the celebrant training. And once that understanding took root, I was overcome by a desire to make sure everyone I know gets to experience that kind of funeral or memorial service when they lose someone they love.
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At the same time I was experiencing a personal healing, I was also learning a lot about the funeral industry. As someone with no training in funeral service, I was shocked to learn that funeral directors aren’t the ones leading funeral or memorial services, and they aren’t the ones helping families plan them either. It’s usually a clergy person who may or may not know the family or the deceased. That explains why my step-mother did most of the service planning. The concept of a celebrant was almost non-existent in the US in 1996. Now I’m excited whenever I talk to funeral directors who have been through celebrant training or incorporate them into their business models. But I also see a huge missed opportunity for those who have not.

I'd rather be ignored for $2,000 than $10,000.
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I found celebrant training to be a transformative experience. I didn't expect to relive every funeral and grief experience of my life on day one, but that is exactly what happened. At the end of the session I was emotionally drained, but also exhilarated. Doug Manning and Glenda Stansbury provided the language to describe so many of my negative and positive experiences.

In response to a question about the increase in direct cremation, he told an anecdote when he was told, "I paid $10,000 for my father's funeral and my grief was ignored. The funeral director didn't direct anything, just took my order. I'd rather be ignored for $2000."
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This story struck me profoundly. I thought about the behaviors of funeral directors that made the most impact on me, such as anticipating my need for a tissue or water, hugging or touching me when I needed comfort and saying my family member or friend's name. I have never been ignored, thankfully, but no one deserves to be ignored.
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