It’s no secret that consumers’ increasing preference for cremation is impacting the traditional funeral home business model. Because cremation services generally produce lower revenue, many funeral home owners are expanding their product and service offerings. Others are discovering ways to serve the needs of new groups within their communities.

As reported in IBISWorld industry research and echoed in the NFDA’s 2023 Cremation & Burial Report, “It is predicted that funeral homes will continue to expand their array of extra services offered to families; increase their focus on niche markets to differentiate themselves; and draw attention to their value-added services, such as … serving groups with diverse cultural and religious preferences.”

Cultural differences play a significant role in funeral practices and the better we understand the religious and cultural diversity of our communities, the greater our opportunity to serve those groups. Ask yourself three questions:

1. What is the religious and cultural makeup of my community?
2. Am I proactively reaching out to diverse groups?  
3. What am I doing to better understand and accommodate unique funeral customs and rituals in my area?
   

Foundation Partners’ Valley Memorial Park team serves many Mexican families in the Portland suburb of Hillsboro, where nearly one-third of residents identify as Hispanic or Latino. Annual Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) celebrations, held in late October/early November, are extremely important to these families. Rooted in the rituals of the aboriginal American Indian cultures that evolved in Mexico and Central America and later adopted as All Souls Day in the Catholic Church, Dia de los Muertos is a Mexican holiday in which the spirits of the dead are believed to return home and spend time with their relatives. Families build alters and decorate them with yellow marigolds, candles, family photos and tissue-paper skulls to honor their deceased loved ones. Food and beverage offerings are a large part of the celebrations.

During Valley Memorial’s Dia de los Muertos celebration, the community gathers to “revel in the spirit of those who live on in our hearts.” Residents are invited to bring photos or mementos of their deceased loved ones to contribute to a communal alter, share in stories, enjoy Mariachi music and dine at food trucks. A local Catholic priest conducts a brief service in Spanish at the altar, which is placed at the foot of the statue of Our Lady of Guadeloupe, who holds a special place in the religious life of Mexico.

While the majority of Mexican Americans still choose traditional burial, cremation is increasingly popular among families of Mexican origin in the Portland Metro Area.

In a country where ancestors are honored and death is regarded as a constant presence, another Mexican tradition is the wish to be buried in one’s place of origin. At Mexico City International Airport, more than 300 bodies arrive each month and this is just one of many ports of entry for remains from the U.S.

Our bilingual team at Samaritan Funeral & Cremation Services, with two locations in Phoenix, Arizona, is on the front lines of repatriation of remains for the area’s Mexican population. English is a second language for 30 to 40 percent of Samaritan’s clients. Our team works closely with the local Mexican consulate and has built a solid reputation for compassionately and professionally serving families who wish to ship their loved ones’ remains back to their native countries.

“No other funeral home in Phoenix does as many ‘ship outs’ as Samaritan,” said Venitria Curtis, lead funeral director. “Traditional burial remains the most popular choice for Hispanic families in our area, but that is slowly changing with many more Mexican American families choosing cremation. In the past, we would not even discuss cremation with a Hispanic family, but today that conversation has become much more acceptable. The trend began about eight years ago, but the COVID-19 pandemic played a big part in accelerating acceptance of cremation among these families.”

Although the Vatican forbade cremation for centuries, the Church amended its Code of Canon Law in 1963 to lift the ban on cremation with several caveats, including: ashes must be placed in a proper vessel in a “sacred” place and may not be scattered or divided among family members. Cremation has been gaining popularity in American Catholic communities ever since. The Vatican provided further instruction on the disposition of cremated remains in 2016 and, today, nearly one-third of American Catholic families opt for cremation.

Additional guidance from the Vatican on handling cremated remains was issued in December 2023 in response to the increasing numbers of Catholics who want to scatter the ashes of their loved ones in nature. The Vatican Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith upheld the rule mandating that the ashes of the deceased be preserved in a consecrated place, but also said family members could request "a minimal part of the ashes" be kept in a sacred place of "significance for the history of the deceased person." The dicastery also said a parish or diocese could establish "a defined and permanent sacred place" where the cremains of multiple people would be commingled and preserved together. 

While the new instructions may seem like good news for many Catholics, the practical application of these rules are not crystal clear. Steve Trevino, a 45-year funeral service veteran, founder and current funeral director at Ponderosa Valley Funeral Services in Parker, Colorado, said this issue has caused many discussions with families over the years.

“As active members of the local Roman Catholic community, my wife, Nanci, and I serve a large number of Catholic families and they have been requesting options for memorializing their cremated loved ones for a long time,” Steve said. “We don’t represent the Church, but we share the rules as we know them, and this issue has caused many families to walk away from those discussions very disappointed. Many have opted to disregard church rules. The bottom line for funeral professionals is that our obligation is to each family we serve and it’s their decision. We always advise families to seek the advice of their priests.”

Steve and Nanci reached out to several local priests following the dissemination of the new guidelines and received feedback contrary to the popular interpretation of the new rules. This is an area that will require further clarification from the Vatican and one that funeral professionals in Catholic communities will be wise to monitor.

The shift in ethnicities and increasingly diverse funeral traditions across the United States will only accelerate in the years ahead. As funeral professionals, it’s our job to learn about and appreciate the different cultures and religions present in our communities. We need to make ourselves seen in these communities and let families know we are available and ready to serve them in keeping with their unique customs and rituals surrounding death and mourning. Do your research, build relationships and provide support to all segments of your changing community. Differentiating your funeral home by understanding and accommodating all types of funerals will help you remain a trusted service leader for years to come.

Winter Park, Florida-based Foundation Partners Group is one of the industry's most innovative providers of funeral services and the second-largest funeral home group in the country based on the number of families served. Foundation Partners owns and operates a network of over 250 funeral homes, cremation centers and cemeteries across 21 states. Our deep understanding of technology and customer experience-centered approach allows us to deliver truly innovative and compassionate care to the families we serve. Visit www.foundationpartners.com to learn more.   

There’s a story about a Stanford business class who was given the assignment of making the greatest ROI possible on $5 in two hours, at the end of which they would make a half-hour presentation to the rest of the class. Most students tried to buy something for $5 and sell it for a little more within the two hours, making a small return. Others recognized that the $5 was really a distraction and spent their time conducting services like filling bike tires for $1 around campus. They were more successful. But the most successful group recognized that their most valuable asset was neither the $5 nor the two hours. It was the opportunity to present in front of a room of Stanford MBA students, which they sold to a local employer for hundreds of dollars – racking up a return in the thousands of percent.
The point is, don’t get distracted. And definitely don’t get distracted by a dollar figure when you’re considering what you have to sell that’s of value.

I’ve met funeral home owners by the score who shake their heads in frustration and say something to the effect of, “Boy, did we step in it when we positioned cremation as an alternative to the funeral. (And to memorialization, and to ceremony, and to engagement with the funeral home…).” And they’re right. But the good news is, that’s not a mistake we’re stuck with. The trick is not to get distracted. Don’t get distracted by what a family thinks they want to pay. Don’t get distracted by the phrase “direct cremation.” Don’t get distracted by conceptions of yourself as a disposal solution. Don’t get distracted.

The entire concept of “direct cremation” and asking for it as an escape route from your normal offerings is not new. Jessica Mitford was encouraging her disciples to demand it 60 years ago. But there’s some encouraging data that suggests we can still stem the tide.

My firm has conducted more than a million dollars’ worth of research on consumer preferences on death care in the past few years. One of my favorite data points deals with expected costs of death care services. We’ve asked a huge, statistically representative sample of Americans what they would expect to pay for two things: a funeral with a burial, and a funeral with cremation. We can then average all the responses to get a sense of the general perception of cost. When you do this multiple times, in multiple decades, you get to watch how preferences evolve.

Over the past ten years, the answer to the “burial” question has remained exactly the same, when adjusted for inflation, to the dollar. Remarkably, the average American expects a funeral-with-burial to cost exactly what they did a decade ago. But over that same period, Americans’ perception of the cost of a cremation has significantly outpaced inflation. In other words, the gap is closing. And we can expect it to keep closing. Because it was never really about cost.

Americans’ preference for cremation is decreasingly tethered to cost. As with other low-frequency purchase decisions, like houses or cars, cost is simply all we know to ask about. We buy vegetables all the time, and therefore understand to make decisions on cost, but also on freshness, quality, organic, and so on. But we don’t plan funerals often enough to have those reference points, so we revert to the first thing we can think of. That’s why most Americans say the first question they ask if planning a funeral is how much it will cost, but only a tiny percentage of Americans say the cost is the worst thing about the funeral. The $5 is only a distraction. Don’t fall for it.

Here's another key statistic: only 14% of Americans agree with the statement that, “with cremation there’s no need for a funeral, memorial service, or other form of life celebration.” Fourteen percent! To hear your average funeral pro tell it, it’s at least 50. But only one in seven Americans really sees cremation as a “way out” of the ceremony. Now, more than that, one in seven might not want their local funeral home to have anything to do with the ceremony, which is a value hurdle you need to clear. And more from there might not ever get around to dealing with Aunt Maude’s ashes, which is where your experience and leadership come into play. But it’s vital to recognize the distinction: direct cremation isn’t really what most people want. Not even close.

When Apple launched the iPhone, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer literally laughed at them for the price tag: “…That is the most expensive phone in the world. And it doesn’t appeal to business customers because it doesn’t have a keyboard.” Ballmer failed to recognize that while the prevailing strategy of the time was to sell phones business-down, Apple flipped the model on its head by going consumer-up. Today, there’s no distinction between your “work phone” and the phone you use to scroll social media. Not only did Apple give us that customer-centric innovation, they charged a premium for it.

Funeral homes and cremationists would do well to remember that message: when you give the consumer what they’re asking for, you’re providing more value and can charge more, not less. In fact, that’s a pretty solid litmus test for whether you’re actually providing value as a business. Grocery stores discount the stuff they can’t sell otherwise. Department stores discount last season’s styles. If you’re giving your customers a discount, it’s an admission that what you’re selling isn’t really the valuable thing. And they know it.

So, quit being distracted. In the death care space, your disposition services are the equivalent of the Stanford students’ $5. Making money off of it is enticing, and makes logical sense, but if you step back and take stock of the situation, you might notice you have much more valuable assets than that five-dollar bill. You have a market who doesn’t understand grief, who is hurting, afraid, and burdened, and they’re walking into your business. And you know exactly what they need to heal and how to help their community do the same. It doesn’t take a Stanford MBA to notice that’s worth a lot more than a few hours’ rental of your retort.

This is the sympathy business. On a regular basis, we’re expected to offer up our condolences, well wishes, and sympathy.
 
But empathy, a word which often gets confused for the same thing, is even more important to our success. Sympathy is defined as “feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.” Empathy, on the other hand, is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” In short, you can be sympathetic without being empathetic. But empathy will make you not only more effective at caring for the bereaved, but at managing your business.
 
The classic “burial-or-cremation” dichotomy is illustrative of this point. Even those who know better often let our language betray the misunderstanding that there are essentially only two kinds of people in the world: the conservative, religious, pro-burial traditionalists; and the liberal, postmodern, pro-cremation rebels. While it’s perhaps a step in the right direction to understand that not everybody wants the same thing, it’s not nearly a step far enough.

The reality of how the modern American — your customer — sees the world and your business is far, far more nuanced. McKee Wallwork’s proprietary research methodology, IDEALS®, asks thousands of people across the US hundreds  of questions on their Interests, Desires, Emotions, Attitudes, and Lifestyles to discover market Segmentation. This psychographic segmentation research conducted by my firm has shown seven segments that people statistically sort themselves into, and each is much more complicated than a simple preference on burial or religion.
 
For example, if I were to tell you that a heavily tattooed atheist was about to walk through your door to make arrangements, you might have some assumptions about that individual. But the 14% of the population who my firm has nicknamed “Free Spirits” (the most likely segment to have tattoos, and the most likely to identify as atheist) is also the most likely segment to have posted condolences on your firm’s website, the most willing to talk about their own funeral plans, and the least likely to express opposition to a viewing (that’s not a typo). In many ways, the individual you’re liable to write off as a direct-cremation loss is actually highly interested in what you offer.
 
Or, while 40% of the market (a rapidly shrinking number, by the way) is what you might call a traditional funeral consumer, roughly a third of that group is motivated primarily by the quality, and even status symbol, projected by the funeral; another third is motivated by local ownership; and another third is motivated primarily by religion. These three sub-categories look very similar (in life and on paper), but confuse them at your own risk, because the reality is they will prioritize very different needs.
 
At the other end of the spectrum is who we call the “Distanced and Decided.” These are the classic cremationists, but our research revealed an interesting nuance: community size (household size, proximity to family, frequency of communicating with family) seemed to be a driver in these folks’ decisions just as much as politics or religion. In other words, they’re prone to cremate primarily because they don’t believe anyone would come to their graves. This kind of insight reveals how our profession is impacted by societal and cultural shifts, and how new products and services will always be needed, tailored to evolving subcultures.
 
Or, consider the youngest segments planning funerals. They split statistically into two camps: one, the “Resolute Rookies,” are more removed from death than perhaps any group of people in human history: they don’t know anybody who has ever died, and they think they can avoid the whole business as a result. But another cohort their same age is a funeral director’s dream: they understand that funerals are for the living, represent a post-Boomer pendulum swing back toward tradition, religion, ceremony, and viewings, and represent perhaps the most affluent category in recent memory who is ready to spend on funerals (long driveways and long bills).

The point is this: there’s no silver bullet, and while there is value in letting go of the “all-things-to-all-people” concept that is a burden and a distraction to your business, there’s even more value in thinking really intentionally about empathy. When we look closer than the simple choices and assumptions, we’ll be able to venture a guess at not only what people are asking for, but why. And when we do that, we can lead them toward the considerations and options that not only make for good business, but good grief.
 
We don’t have to be a profession or a business. Our success will only come insofar as we do both. And the better we become at listening, looking deeply, understanding motivations, and seeking to provide people with what they really need (as opposed to what we think they should ask for), the more successful we will become — both as business owners and as servants to hurting families.

Hold onto your smartwatches, folks. Here comes a potentially scandalous statement:
Not everything in our lives benefits from being Uber-ized or given the "there’s an app for that" treatment. Case in point? Deathcare sales.
​
Yes, I know. In an age where even our refrigerators have Wi-Fi and Alexa can tell you a joke when you’re feeling down (though, let's be honest, some of her jokes are rather... refrigerated), here I am, diving into a topic that might make some tech enthusiasts raise an eyebrow. "Whoa, is she really about to go there? Bold statement, Altenburg!"

End-of-life planning is far from your average purchase. It's not about snagging a deal during a Black Friday sale or choosing between iPhone models. We’re diving deep into the realms of mortality, legacy, and the deep love we have for those we’ll someday leave behind.

So, before you start building holograms of funeral planners or virtual reality cemetery tours into your business plan, remember: this purchase is driven by raw, unfiltered emotion, not by how snazzy the tech might seem.

Allow me to share a true story of a top-selling Counselor who for years rode the crest of success but this year, got a little too cozy with his tech gadgets. He crunched the numbers and thought, "Why settle for three face-to-face meetings in a day when I can chat with 15 people electronically in the same timeframe?"

He took the plunge. Instead of his usual in-person consultations, he dove into emails, texts, and Facebook messages. From 15 weekly face-to-face presentations, he plummeted to less than five, so that he could focus on his electronic 'presentations', which shot up to over 60 per week.

He was presenting to more people than he had before… So he sold more and earned more, right?

Wrong.

It wasn't a mere dip in sales; it was what I would refer to as a screeching halt. His stellar five-figure contract average came crashing down to below two grand, and his average contracts-written-per-month decreased by 60%.

If you’re a commission-based salesperson, you probably felt the punch in your gut just reading those statistics.

The Counselor wasn’t just broke, he was genuinely perplexed. "These families seem so interested in our emails," he'd lament during our meetings. "Why don’t they finalize things? Why aren’t they following through?"

In his quest for efficiency, our Counselor had become just another blip on the digital radar, another ping among the ceaseless barrage of notifications that his potential clients received daily.
​
Gone was the opportunity to really understand them, to discover the stories behind their eyes, or to grasp the weight of their decisions about end-of-life care. In eschewing face-to-face interactions, he'd unknowingly snuffed out the chance for genuine human connection. With this disconnect, the emotional motivation that once drove his clients to act in the best interests of their loved ones evaporated.

With everything from our toasters to our toothbrushes getting smart upgrades, it's certainly easy to be sold on the idea that tech is the magic pill for all industries. And yes, Zoom meetings, e-signatures, and digital brochures have their perks.
But, beware of the digital rabbit hole.

Where a new smartphone, car, or astronaut-designed pair of sneakers might be sold through slick online ads, the intricacies of deathcare sales need a different touch.
Something warmer.

More human.

There's no app that can replicate the comfort of a reassuring hand on the shoulder, the understanding in a compassionate gaze, or the vulnerability shared in a heartfelt story by an end-of-life expert and guide (ahem, that’s you).

Face-to-face discussion is the arena where the magic happens in our field.
These interactions allow for that deep emotional connection; they keep the focus on the very human reasons for end-of-life decision-making, and frankly, we’re short-changing ourselves and the families we serve by utilizing technology as a shortcut around true connection.

Okay, tech aficionados, before you start hurling virtual tomatoes at me, let me be clear: Technology isn't the enemy. Heck, it’s pretty darn useful. And yes, I use it too! Organizing schedules, maintaining client records, sending reminders – these are areas where technology shines. The trick is to ensure that it complements, not replaces, the human touch.

Once clients step out of the cocoon of a heartfelt chat, the digital world with its pings, notifications, and endless scroll can swoop in, shifting their mindset back to cold, hard logic. And we all know that logic isn’t what leads end-of-life decision-making and planning… Emotion is.
​
While tech might bring them to our door, it's the face-to-face relationship-building connection that seals the deal. The moment it becomes just a transaction, the essence of what we truly do becomes lost. In fact, logic and end-of-life arrangements can be like oil and water in our shiny-product-focused society.

Amidst the cautionary tales, it's essential to acknowledge technology's transformative potential. While it shouldn't usurp our personal touch, it can, without a doubt, amplify it. The trick? Let technology be the bridge, not the destination.

1. Meeting People Where They Are: An age-old sales mantra reminds us to "meet people where they are". In today's digitized age, that place is, unequivocally, online. However, while our prospecting might begin in the vast digital realm, our endgame shouldn't be a swift, impersonal "ka-ching" sale. Instead, aim for a resonant "ker-plunk" - a genuine sit-down, face-to-face conversation. By shifting our prospecting goal from sale to real conversation, technology becomes a tool to bring us closer to people, rather than an impersonal shortcut around them.
   
   
2. Scheduling Made Simple: Use automated tools to help clients effortlessly book and reschedule appointments, removing barriers and facilitating heartfelt conversations.
   
   
3. Engaging Teasers: Virtual cemetery tours or introductory videos can generate interest and lay the foundation for trust, setting the scene for deeper in-person interactions.
   
   
4. Prompting with Personal Touch: Automated reminders can be peppered with personal anecdotes or notes from prior meetings, reinforcing the human presence behind the tech interface.
   
   
5. Learning and Preparation: Glean clients' preferences and needs beforehand, ensuring that personal interactions are more tailored and impactful.
   
   
6. Digital Workshops and Webinars: Educate a broad audience about end-of-life planning. Such sessions often lead clients to seek personalized discussions for deeper understanding.
   
   
7. Virtual Face-to-Face: In-person meetings are our gold standard, yet sometimes geography intervenes. If a client is a drive away, make that trip. Be it their home, your office, or a quiet café corner. But when miles turn into lightyears, don't resign yourself to mere texts. A virtual face-to-face, courtesy of platforms like Zoom, trumps an impersonal interaction. It's a testament to the adage: "If you can't be there in person, be there in spirit (and on-screen)."

Striking the right balance between tech efficiency and human connection is an art. It's about ensuring that every digital touchpoint leads, not to a sale, but to a genuine human interaction. Because when it comes to deathcare sales, the most potent app on the market is empathy.

And if ever there was an industry that needed a personal touch, it's ours. After all, we’re not peddling sneakers or smart fridges here (although I wouldn’t say no to one that makes ice cream on demand). We’re dealing with the most profound of human experiences. Let’s ensure our approach is equally profound.
​
And a final note to the tech gurus that are working so hard to sell their newest AI product as the easy sell: Just as tech conversations can't match the indelible mark of in-person heart-to-hearts, fling a digital tomato my way and you'll see it won't leave quite the same stain as a real one would. So, you'll have to book a face-to-face appointment with me to ensure that red blotch really sets in!

Deathcare has experienced a transformation in the last three years. It’s been intense – and grueling at times – but the future is bright and full of opportunity.

Over the past decade I’ve been in deathcare, I’ve seen trends solidify right before my eyes. Obviously, the pandemic moved the needle quite a bit. I can’t honestly say I was quite sure of what was going on while it was happening, but with hindsight, as with most things, it all made sense.

After such a chaotic time, what trends did I most want to learn about? I wanted to dive deep into the changes in customer expectations around online arrangements and see how firms are implementing technology to help serve all of their families better.

When Tyler Yamasaki (CEO of PartingPro, an online arrangement tool and case management system) and I delved into the data from his company on, we learned a lot by analyzing customer behavior during the pandemic. We saw what shifts cemented as a trend and presented these changes at length at CANA’s 2023 Cremation Symposium and The Secrets Behind The Most Successful Online Cremation Businesses episode of The Direct Cremation Podcast we co-host.

​Now, while it’s cool to learn that “Bob” is the most common first name entered into PartingPro’s decedent database, it didn’t really give us any insight into the industry changes we were hoping to track. Nope, for that we had to look at other data – mainly data centered around consumers’ willingness to work with providers online.
What we found was…interesting.

The biggest changes we found were in customer willingness to complete online arrangements and do forms online.

Here’s a look at the increase in arrangements during that period.

You see a huge spike right in March of 2020. Well, there’s no surprise there! But the surprise is that the levels never went back down to pre-pandemic levels. In fact, it’s holding a new line of support at about double the levels we saw pre-pandemic – and clearly look to be trending upward from there. I think this step-function change is here to stay and reflects the huge increase in all e-commerce trends in the economy at-large. Companies were forced to adapt to online management systems and this shows that the implementation of those systems is here to stay.

Now, I’ll admit that this spike doesn’t tell the whole story. At that time we’re looking at, there was a large increase in overall deaths, given the presence of COVID-19, so we had to dig a little deeper.

We needed to break down the cases into two cohorts: those who completed arrangements online and those who completed arrangements in person. What Tyler found was that prior to March 2020, about 33% of arrangements were completed online – a very respectable number in my opinion. After March of 2020, that jumped to 66%. The proportions completely flipped!

It’s hard to say how much of this change is attributable to funeral home staff pushing online arrangements versus a family’s proactive choice to start and complete online arrangements. I think it’s a combination of both, but I was curious to see if there was any data that would give more insight into customer behavior itself regarding online arrangements. Luckily, Tyler had an answer for me.

Tyler shared that prior to March 2020, about 11% of imminent and at-need cases were completed through online arrangements. He asked me to guess what that percentage jumped to after March 2020. I guessed that it had doubled, at least. I was wrong! It rose to 16.3%. Admittedly, I was a little upset I was so wrong. I had been doing so well on Tyler’s data quiz at that point I had a lot of confidence. However, after some reflection, I had two takeaways:

The entire conversation with Tyler really showed how important tech is to a funeral business in a post-Covid world, but it doesn’t mean that technology’s goal is to make us cold and uncompassionate. Technology is just a tool, and good tech implementation simply allows you to meet more customers where they are and free up your team’s time to deliver for those families that need the most attention and compassion.

We don't have time to question everything, of course, but I want to motivate you to question what you do and why you do it, and the impact that it has on your business. And—most importantly—the impact it has on your families.

I am a second-generation funeral director and embalmer from a really, really small town in Indiana. I've been licensed since 2005. I grew up in the funeral home with no intention of going into funeral service. But, as I got to see my father and understand what he was doing, I knew what he was doing was important and I wanted to be a part of that.

One of the things I heard from my father was “We bury our dead and we burn our trash.” And, as a young man, I didn't understand that, because Dad didn't own a cemetery and he didn't own the crematory. So, I started questioning that.

I thought, “What do you care? You want the phone to ring. You want to help a family.” But this was the mindset of so many funeral directors of that generation: “Cremation is our enemy. When a family says cremation, that's the only thing they want. That's it.” Those men lived in a time of cremation only, but from day one, that's never been my experience. So I questioned how we interacted with our families, and I wanted to get better.

I wanted to get better because, as a young funeral director, you find yourself in awkward situations that you didn't ask for. Families love to ask questions—and we want them to ask questions. But when you're a young, ignorant kid you don't know what to do when you're put on the spot with a question that you don't know how to answer. I never had someone tell me, “When you get a question that you don't know the answer to, just say, ‘I don't know, but I'll find out for you.’” That makes someone feel pretty good. You're going to help them. You're going to find out – it may take you five minutes, it may take you more—but you're going to help.

We have made this unbelievable commitment that we are going to care for living and the dead, and we're going to do it simultaneously. As a young funeral director, I always wondered: what makes a good funeral director? And it's one of those things that is always evolving.

I'm constantly adding to that amount of information that I have that helps me help families. And no matter how much knowledge we have about the funeral business or running a business or death or grief or all that stuff, what families really need is just another human being to listen. Another human being to be there, to support them and to support their decisions. We don't see that across all funeral service.

I am using a story I heard from someone who chartered a fishing boat. He mentioned that his boat captain was on the radio with other boat captains, and they were talking about where the fish are. They've all got paying clients. They all want them to have a good time. They all want them to fish. But these competing businesses are on the horn to each other, telling each other where the fish are biting today.

Conversely, there's other captains out there and they're not going to talk to the competitors. You've hired them for a boat ride and you're going to get a boat ride. And that's all you’re going to get. But other businesses who are competing are out there trying to satisfy their clients. When it comes to funeral service, we may call a buddy for help. We may call a funeral home to help bring someone home.

Yet, when it comes to service, a family walks in and they say, “Hey, I, saw this really neat thing on the internet you can do with cremated remains. Can you do that?” and I don't know about it. This happens way too much in funeral service where we say, “no, we don't do that here.” And we stop. We don't call out for help. We don't call out to figure out how to do it. Heaven forbid we tell a family, “we don't do that here, but I can find a place for you.”

A buddy of mine was working at this funeral home. When someone came in to pick up mom or dad, they sat across the desk and “there's dad, thanks for coming in. Oh, sign here.” She was mortified that this was what was happening. So, she started to think a little bit, make it a little bit different, make it more of an experience. And she got in trouble. “What are you doing? We don't do that here.” Well, she kept doing it. She just made it a little bit different.

I'd never thought about it. Never questioned it. It was just what we did. I think before I started using mom or dad or brother or whomever, it was “cremated remains. Here you go.” But, I started thinking about it and I was like, I can do better. As a funeral director, I do not want to treat my cremation families any different than burial families. Again, my family, we don't own a cemetery and we don't own a crematory, but I will do both for you, so we got to thinking.

You never know what a family's going to value when they walk in the door. They'll walk in the door and they'll be like, we want a dinner, or we want a kegger. Some families want a funeral procession. Some families want pallbearers, and what’s the answer? You buy a piece of furniture.

I was curious about this product: an urn, an arc, an urn caddy, there’s so many different names. I wanted one of these for years and years, but my father wouldn't let me do it. Finally he got older and stopped stopping me. So we got one, because I didn't want our cremation families to be cut out of some of the things that burial families get, and that some families value.

Now, when it comes to cremation, you have all of the choices in the world.

How do we know it's the right thing to do? The key is to sit down and take the time. Think about it, question it, talk about it. When we'd go on a removal or bring someone into our care, we would get into the hearse afterwards, and we'd start to drive away. And I'd look over and be like, “All right, let's grade ourselves. How do you think we did? How did the communication go? How did the transfer go? Do you think we met their needs?” Didn't even know we were doing it, but we were trying to get better.

If you're not even thinking about what you do, this business can be very routine. You show up, you walk in, you do your work, you go home. It can be that simple. But if your mind gets numb and you're not thinking about what you're doing and trying to improve, you'll never improve.

Just because Dad's been doing it 60 years doesn't mean it's wrong. It may be the best way to do it, but until we test it out, we don't know. And I encourage you to talk with other people about it too. Get outside of your circle, your echo chamber. That is the key.

If you asked me maybe right now, what else do I do? Well, when it comes down to it, all of this is caring for our families, listening to them, and empowering them to do what they need to do. We’re put out to be these money-grubbing, guilt-twisting professionals that will use that emotion to help ourselves. When, as we all know, that is the complete opposite of what we do. We will go the extra mile to help a family. You all do it.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. We all work in funeral service. We are equals, but when we go home, all of us are the expert to our communities. Tell your story, tell people what you do, encourage them to have those conversations, be open and approachable. And that's how folks build trust with us.

Who, in their right mind, would make the choice to be on call 24 hours a day, sometimes for days on end? Who would agree to leave their families at any hour of the day or night – or during holiday meals, or in the middle of a baseball or soccer game – to go and assist people that they’ve never met who are often in the middle of a crisis?

Ours is definitely not a career that would top most individuals’ lists of ideal jobs. We live the life described above every day and many of us never question why.

I believe this career chooses us. We are caregivers, essentially, and that is ingrained in a person. Being a caregiver is not something that can be taught. We are all in the funeral profession, but many of us can’t articulate a “why.” There is no why. It’s simply because it’s where we know we are supposed to be. It’s in our minds, and, more importantly, it’s in our hearts. I use the word lifepath for this phenomenon. Some may use the word calling. I agree with both descriptives, and both reflect that this is not typically a career that is chosen.

Too often, the public perception of a funeral professional is as someone who “gets used to death” or isn’t bothered by it. Little do they know how far from the truth that is. I often reply to those mistaken perceptions by saying that “the moment that this doesn’t bother me is the moment that I need to turn around and walk out that door because I would not be able to serve you as I should.” If death doesn’t affect me any longer, then I am no longer a benefit to the families I aim to serve. My emotion is what allows me the compassion to serve people as I do. Do I have to hide my emotions on a regular basis? Yes. But that doesn’t mean I’m not affected.

This industry is not for the faint of heart. You need the compassion to deal with grieving families, but you also need to have self-confidence and leadership skills to be able to handle the menagerie of scenarios that are thrown your way. Over the years that I have been involved in the business, as we all know, family dynamics have changed drastically! These dynamics play a role in how we approach families, and it can be a game of tiptoe through the minefield. The arrangement conference can be a place where issues that have accrued over many years come to a head, all in front of a funeral director who doesn’t necessarily need or want to know all the family secrets. However, we are forced to play referee in the boxing ring.

On top of all that, we then address the financial side of a funeral. Money is never an easy topic to discuss. It’s even harder when a family does not have the financial means to have the funeral they want for their loved one, and we are the ones that have to tell them that.

Following the arrangement conference, a funeral director has to confirm clergy/celebrant; contact the cemetery; write obituaries, have them approved by family, submit them to the newspapers and proofread for accuracy; file the death certificate and burial permit; go to the health department to pick up the certified death certificates; order merchandise; print memorial items (i.e., register book, memorial cards, thank you cards); remove, dress, casket, and cosmetize the deceased; set up the chapel; schedule staff for viewings and/or services; clean the facility; clean the vehicles; order flowers and arrange for catering; and “other duties as assigned.” All in about 3 days! And, just for one family served! Our minds are going in all different directions trying to make sure that each family feels like they are the only family we are serving.
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So many times, I have families say, “I didn’t know you did all this” or “I didn’t know you did that.” Yes, we do. We are here to make this as easy as we can for you.

It’s essential to remember that caregivers need someone to care for and listen to them. Not only do we navigate the emotion and reality that death brings to the families that we serve, but we also deal with the day-to-day struggles of the workplace, life outside the office, family, our own personal struggles and emotions. Work-life balance takes on new meaning as we try to not let the personal interfere with the lifepath that has chosen us in the death care industry.

If someone knows that they aren’t the only one dealing with a situation, could a sense of solidarity give them the strength and vision to continue to follow their calling? It's not just you. Many of us have been there. I have been there. Knowing that our industry runs high for mental health injuries, it’s important to bring options to those who are questioning if they should stay or go. When employers focus on the mental health of their employees, it leads to increased productivity, improved job satisfaction, higher retention rates and less burnout.
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We need to place our own mental health at the forefront so that we can serve the families that request our services to the best of our ability and give them the best that each one deserves.

The only people that can truly understand what we funeral professionals do and deal with on a daily basis, are others in the industry. This is why Funeral Professionals Peer Support is such a wonderful and welcome addition to our world. It’s for peers, by peers. We are there to educate, to guide, to provide feedback and sometimes just to listen. It’s a safe place for funeral professionals to come if they need someone who understands.

The benefits of peer support have been recognized for years. Some of the benefits that have been found in many settings, such as workplace, addiction counseling and educational have been:

I am looking forward to meeting some new people at the CANA Convention and I am very excited to continue to spread the word about the benefits of Funeral Professionals Peer Support!!

Early on in my career a mentor of mine said these words to me when I was dealing with some challenges associated with a family we were serving: “It takes all kinds to make the world go round.” I was still fairly new to the funeral service scene and hadn’t experienced the joys of dealing with families that didn't agree or get along very well. This phrase stuck with me all these years and seems perfectly fitted to where our great big crazy funeral service world is these days—or maybe just the world in general. Yet, in many ways I also feel like we have somehow missed the mark in funeral service insofar as actually “seeing” how diverse our profession really is, both internally and related to the families we serve.

You’d be hard pressed to find a funeral director who will tell you that they’ve seen it all. Most agree that no matter how long your career in funeral service may be, you will simply not see everything. I have to say that over these last couple of years, we as funeral service professionals have seen and experienced things that we never thought we would. If recent times have taught us anything, it’s that changing our ways may not have the downside we anticipated.

One of the changes that has been most profound for me has been witnessing firsthand how much more diverse our profession and our clientele are—more so than I had ever realized before. As we enter Pride Month 2022, I’m humbled to say that I have made a small contribution to the long-overdue conversation about bringing more visibility to the LGBTQ+ Community. We need to do this within the funeral service profession while also helping our colleagues learn how to serve our community better. My experience has confirmed that we, as funeral and cremation service providers, must become better attuned to the diversity both in each other and in our clients—which is often staring us right in the face.

Diversity, Equity and Inclusion have generated quite the buzz across many industries of late. And while this recognition is long overdue, it’s clearly here to stay. How will this change the way we provide funeral and cremation services to our families and embrace all employees?

Here are a few thoughts:

If I had a nickel for every time my mother said these very words to me as I grew into a—well let’s say “challenging” adolescent—I would be a wealthy man! But, when you stop and think about it, how we speak to our families and to our fellow employees can be way more impactful than we imagine.

Many years ago, I encountered a situation where a family did not want to mention the partner of one of the deceased’s children in the obituary. That son, by the way, was sitting at the same table as his siblings to make funeral arrangements for their mom. The family felt that it would be awkward to mention his partner since the couple wasn’t married—despite the fact that gay marriage wasn’t even an option at the time. Although it took some effort to contain myself, I assured his siblings that we could and should list anyone who is important to the deceased or her family.

This intervention brought some resolution to the situation while also validating the relationship between the son and his partner. I’ll never forget it.

We should choose our words carefully and, even more importantly, be cognizant of the way we deliver those words. What we say and how we say it to a family could change the trajectory of their entire experience with us, for better or for worse. I hope that son, and his whole family, took my words to heart that day and valued every member of their family.

Today’s families want and need to know what their options are. They want time to make decisions, and they certainly don’t want to feel that they are being spoken down to. We never want them to question if there were other options available after the fact and so must offer them everything from the beginning. So, take a little extra time to think about what you say before you say it, and carve out a little time after serving a family to reflect on what went well, or not so well, and find ways to improve for next time.

When it comes to the workplace, the same concept easily applies. We must have the same sensitivity to the words we say and how we say them when interacting with fellow employees. Fostering an inclusive work environment where diversity is celebrated and not ignored means educating ourselves on inclusive language to accommodate the backgrounds and cultures of our teammates. It does no good for morale for even one single employee to feel discriminated against or  marginalized as less than their colleagues because of their differences. In a profession where compassion and empathy are key to success, it shouldn’t be too challenging to nurture a work environment where all feel included and embraced.

Of all the musicals I had an opportunity to perform in during my high school days, Fiddler on the Roof was by far my favorite. (A video is available to those interested, but I digress.) The crux of the show is the concept of tradition and the struggles that often go along with watching the traditions we have known our whole lives begin to change. In our profession, we often use the term “Traditional Funeral;” however I’ve tried to get away from that because, with over 15 years in this business, it’s been my first-hand experience that just one tradition simply doesn’t exist (and perhaps never really did).

There are numerous customs and traditions associated with everything from the mode of final disposition to how the deceased is memorialized. Throwing the word “tradition” around too much may alienate families that feel self-conscious for not conforming to what funeral professionals  view as traditional. Especially as cremation continues to become more prevalent than ever before, let’s reassure our families that “tradition” is whatever they want to make it and make sure we honor those traditions, whether they match our ideas or not.

I’ll never forget when I offered to have a couple of classic cars parked outside the funeral home during visitation for a family I was working with. This was not a groundbreaking idea by any means, but for them it instantly made them feel seen. They felt that their husband and father, who LOVED working on classic cars, was more than just another person we were caring for and that his life mattered. Perhaps having some hot rods at the funeral home wasn’t what they envisioned as “traditional,” but it certainly was the best fit for them.

If the pandemic has taught us anything it’s that a good shake up in the funeral service industry may have been long overdue. We turned on a dime to respond to the need for offering our families more technology than ever—and were able to provide never-seen-before products and services. We have begun to better recognize that the demographics of funeral service professionals are changing rapidly and that more and more so-called “first generation” funeral professionals are taking on ownership roles within the profession. We simply have to realize that times, they are a-changin’ and we better get on board before it’s too late.

We may not know exactly where we’ll land, but we need to be creative and open to offering today’s families what they’re looking for. We don’t need to make everything up as we go along, but sometimes the best ideas on how to give pause to a loss and pay proper tribute to a life lived come from the places we least expect. My hope is that we end up in a funeral service world where we don’t grasp too firmly to the concept of “This is how we’ve always done it” but rather “Let’s try it.”

Diversity in our workplaces and in the wants and needs of the families we serve each day is quickly earning a front row seat in our profession. A thoughtful and sensitive response is essential to our success. So, do a little homework on diversity, equity, and inclusion and see how you can incorporate it into your world. And by the way, happy Pride.

No matter what you think about the evolution of the North American Funeral Rite, you have to acknowledge that cremation is, and has been for some time, a major part of society’s expectation of what happens when someone dies. As the demand for cremation services has increased over the past few decades, funeral professionals have responded in a variety of ways to meet their consumer’s expectations. Some have even tried to divert their community’s attention away from cremation, to no avail. Regardless, cremation is now fully integrated into our society’s funeral ideal and shows no signs of changing anytime soon. Funeral service professionals must now add Cremation Specialist to their long litany of talents.

Most funeral service professionals don’t operate cremation equipment, but thankfully, that is not required to have cremation expertise. Knowing what goes on at the crematory, by what means the decedent will travel through the process, and how your firm and the crematory assure the remains that start the journey are the same that are returned at the end will put the family’s mind at rest and create a sense of comfort and confidence that their loved one is in good hands.

One doubt many have, which can be alleviated from the start, is how the decedent’s identity will be confirmed, verified, and documented throughout the journey. This could be put into words during the removal or as part of the arrangement conference. Knowing and confidently clarifying both the ID process and the chain of custody protocols is good practice for a cremation professional. If you don't feel confident outlining the process, talk to your crematory operators. They can walk you through everything in detail and even if you don’t have all of the steps perfectly memorized, sharing with your families that your crematory does indeed have a formal process that is followed consistently is expert-level knowledge.

Most believe that cremation causes pollution. Any time something burns and heat is generated, emissions are produced, but the cremation professional takes an educated approach when answering inquiries regarding emissions and the environment. Modern cremation equipment is designed so well that (when properly maintained and properly operated) the emissions are minimal and insignificant. The sophisticated control systems and airflow design along with the physical design of the equipment assure minimum emissions. According to environmental experts, cremation is one of the lowest sources of pollution and, because of that, isn’t regulated by the US Federal EPA (but are regulated at the local level).

If one has to wait for something, they are undoubtedly going to want to know how long the wait will be. The variables involved in calculating how long it will take seem endless. How busy is the crematory at the moment? Are all of the necessary permits and authorizations in place? Is the deceased of average size or will there be extenuating circumstances that may delay the cremation? (For example, the decedent is a larger individual that will require special handling at the crematory). For the most part, if there are no barriers, the actual cremation takes between 1 and 3 hours to perform. There is also the time needed for processing and packaging the cremated remains. Keeping track of all of these variables can be cumbersome, but navigating all that is something a cremation professional does as part of their service.

Often families will have questions regarding the actual cremation process. Knowing the basics regarding how things work is not difficult. Cremation, by definition, is a thermal (mechanical or other dissolution) process that reduces deceased human or pet remains to bone-like fragments. The process also involves the further reduction of the remains via pulverization of the bone-like fragments into pieces that are usually no more than one-eighth inch. The temperatures involved range from 1400°F to 1800°F depending on the make and model of the equipment. All cremation equipment has multiple chambers that combust and re-combust what is produced during the process so the pollution that is created is eliminated before re-entering the atmosphere. For the most part, what goes back into the atmosphere is breathable, clean air.

Another important characteristic of a cremation specialist is their lack of assumption that the cremation family does not find value in more traditional funeral services. The cremation specialist knows it's their duty to help the family find the right services to honor their loved one in concert with their choice of disposition. This may be nothing more than the removal of the deceased at the place of death, curating the necessary forms and authorizations, and the actual cremation — but it may be more. It may be a full-on “traditional” funeral service complete with embalming, visitation, rosary, livery, procession, church or chapel service before the cremation, and a graveside committal service. It may be something in between. The funeral director cremation specialist is, at their very core, a funeral director regardless of the choice of disposition, and facilitates an event appropriate for their families.
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With any consumer transaction, the more you know about the products and services you offer, the happier your client will be. If someone wants to buy a new Ford F-150 pickup they are going to head to the Ford dealer, not the Volkswagen showroom. Value is perceived (and directly related to) the expertise of the professional facilitating the transaction and funeral service is no exception. 

I have carried a couple of buckets with me for the last twenty years. They are my props when I am talking about what helps people with their grief. I ask someone to hold one of the buckets and tell them to imagine they have just lost a loved one.

The bucket represents their feelings and I asked them to express what feelings they think would be in their bucket. I ask the audience to join in and words like pain, fear, grief, loneliness, empty, anger, guilt and sometimes relief emerge.

I then ask what thoughts would be going through their minds and such phrases as: Can I stand this pain? Who will take care of me now? How much will the funeral cost? What do I need to do now? What is expected of me?

Then I ask what frustrations would be in the bucket and get a large variety of responses. What I am trying to portray is that people in grief are overwhelmed emotionally, mentally, physically and even socially.

Then I produce the second bucket and say, “I also have a bucket. It is full of explanations, platitudes, new ways to think, and scriptures to quote. These are designed to make you feel better and they are all I know how to do.” Then I say the problem is your bucket is full to overflowing. There is no room for what I have to say, and my words run off like water no matter how wonderful they sound. I also say, “I am afraid of your bucket. I don’t know what to say and the intimacy scares me, so I say, ‘I am sorry’ and run.”

I was asked to speak about guilt and anger in grief at a conference for grieving parents. I asked them to tell me what they felt guilty about and many did so. One lady said, “All the way to the hospital my son begged me to turn back. He did not want the transplant, he was afraid. I did not turn back, and he died.”
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I asked her how many times she had heard such things as:

​And she stopped me by saying those did not help and “that last one makes me angry.” Then I asked if it would help if I offered to hug her and said, “That must really hurt?” and she said that would help.

Now why would that help? Because I am acknowledging her pain and not trivializing it. That feels like I am in her bucket with her, and she is not alone. I learned some valuable lessons that day that I would like to share, and think are vitally important to know right now.

We are totally surrounded and enmeshed in a world of full buckets. At this writing more than 50,000 people have died of the virus sweeping our nation [editor’s note: at time of reprint, more than 950,000 people have died in the US alone]. That number must be added to the number of folks that have died of other causes during this time. Add to the buckets of pain the fact that all of those who died in a hospital or healthcare facility died alone with no family or friends to comfort… adding guilt, regret, anger, and a much harder grieving experience to their pain. Many families will not even be able to have the comfort of a funeral or even the chance to see their loved one after they have died.

Add to that the buckets of grief from lost jobs, shattered careers, financial distress, marital strain, children out of school, fears about everything from food shortages to an actual depression and every neighborhood in our world has folks with full buckets.

The great need right now is for us to figure out how to help our friends, loved ones and neighbors empty their buckets. We don’t have to be some kind of professional to be of help. We just need to know how to listen. We need to understand and believe in the awesome power of the listening ear. Maybe sharing what I learned that day, and the fifty years I have spent trying to listen, will be of help.

It never begins in our bucket. We have nothing in our buckets that will empty theirs. There are no magic words or phrases that will heal. Buckets are only being emptied when the one holding it is doing the talking. As they talk, they are bleeding off the feelings and emotions that are flooding their minds and hearts.

This means we do not have to worry about what to say or fear saying the wrong thing. They need to tell their story and be understood. There is power in that word. The longer I study the impact it can make the more impressed I am. Basically we all just want to be understood. All of us have things going on inside of us we would give anything to be able to put into words and have them accepted and understood by some significant person.

Sounds strange and certainly different from how we normally approach helping someone in grief or pain. We want to play it down and take their minds off of the pain. They desperately need to say it, and have it understood.
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To me the key word in grief is significance. When bad things happen to us the first thing we need and want to do is establish the significance of the event. A child with even a slight bruise wants a band-aid and then shows off their boo-boo to everyone they can find. After everyone has seen it, the band-aid can come off. That is human nature. That is establishing significance. If they can establish the significance of what has happened, they can begin to move on. I think folks who seem to park and never get past a grief or trauma were never able to get their pain and loss heard and understood.

I know this sounds simplistic but there are more stories needing to be told right now than any time in recent history. We need listening ears and caring hearts to follow three simple words that begin with “H”:

HANG AROUND
Trust presence. If you are there you have been a help. If you can’t be there physically, then phone calls, Facetime, or other virtual presence is still presence.

HUG THEM
Trust touch. If appropriate, a hug is worth a thousand words. A hand held can do the same. At this time, we may have to rely on virtual hugs.

HUSH
Trust silence. We really don’t have to fix it or even have an answer. Just lay ears on them.

I have opened a new email address to offer help to any who needs help in listening or anyone who can’t find a place to tell their story. It will be there until I can no longer keep up. Please know that I don’t see well so write it large and as short as possible. Thank you. My email address is [email protected] and my ears are open.

This post reprinted with permission from a post of the same name in the Rumblings and Musings of InSight Books. Knowing what to say to a grieving family is difficult for everyone. Read on and learn more about their resources and trainings to better support your families and honor their loved ones.

Join us in congratulating Doug Manning’s daughter Glenda Stansbury and all of the InSight family as Glenda is recognized with the Lasting Impact Award for her contributions to the profession from the ICCFA Education Foundation. We are grateful for all that Glenda has done for CANA, our members, and the profession for her caring heart and listening ear, acknowledging where we are and supporting us as we move forward.
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In 2011, Doug Manning was honored with the Lifetime Achievement Award from Foundation Partners Group. Last year, Glenda Stansbury was named Deathcare Rockstar of the Year and the InSight Institute was given the Experience Creation Award from Cremation Rocks!
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