As a deathcare practitioner, you play a crucial role in supporting families during one of the most challenging times of their lives. Grief is messy and unpredictable, and knowing how to offer compassionate and thoughtful support can make a significant difference. Here are five strategies to help you support grieving families effectively.

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—were based on observations of terminally ill patients. These stages are not universal or linear. Grief is deeply personal and unpredictable, more like a Choose Your Own Adventure book than a roadmap. Your role is to help families begin to navigate their unique journey through grief, and help them take care not to prescribe to a specific path or pattern.

It’s normal to feel uncomfortable when supporting someone who is grieving. Avoid using clichés or making unhelpful remarks like, "He's in a better place," or "At least you can have more children." These comments can inadvertently diminish their grief. Instead, acknowledge your discomfort and offer sincere support: "Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say, but I want you to know I’m here for you.” This honesty shows grieving individuals that they are not alone and that their feelings are valid.

Grief can linger for weeks, months, or even years. As a deathcare practitioner, you can help families find the additional support they need. Keep a list of local resources, such as group counseling or therapy, that may benefit them. Websites like ForGrief.com connect grieving individuals with a range of support options, including downloadable resources, Grief Chats™ with professionals, community support, and online courses tailored to their needs. Share these resources on your website, via your social media outlets, or as part of your aftercare program. Providing these resources shows that you care about their long-term well-being.

Grieving is emotionally and physically exhausting, and people may feel guilty about taking breaks from their grief. Encourage them to take "grief breaks” during the funerary activities. Similar to recess for kids, activities like a brief walk or simply few moments away from the events can help a person who is grieving to recharge. Remind your families that taking time to rest does not minimize their grief nor encourage denial. Instead, it helps them maintain their strength to continue their grieving process.

Working with grieving families daily can lead to death and grief overload. To be at your best for your families, it's crucial to care for yourself. Use resources to assess your own burnout level and ensure you’re getting the support you need. Taking vacations, exploring hobbies outside the deathcare and grief space, and making time for exercise are all beneficial. During working hours, check in with your staff after particularly challenging arrangements, encourage regular breaks, and set reminders to stay hydrated. These practices will help maintain your well-being and effectiveness, and help you help those who are grieving.

Remember, grief has no timeline. In your role, your support means offering compassion and respect, walking the path with those who are grieving, and letting them know they are not alone. You don’t need to have all the answers—your presence and willingness to help are often enough. By employing these strategies, you can make a meaningful difference in the lives of grieving families, providing them with the support and understanding they need during such a difficult time.

One of the greatest challenges to surviving a suicide death loss and moving forward in one’s grief is the prevalent and damaging stigma that continues to be associated with this cause of death. This stigma is complicated by public misunderstanding of suicide, long-held myths about suicide, and the problematic language used to talk about suicide and the deceased. Moving forward with a suicide death loss is one of the most difficult experiences we may face in our lives, but if we can begin to unpack and understand the roots of the stigma that clings to suicide in our culture, we may become more empowered to challenge them and attain some healing in our personal bereavement. 

In my own scholarly work on suicide, I have identified what are perhaps the four most common cultural myths that are imposed on survivors of suicide loss, which reinforce stigmas and harm our individual grieving processes. Exposing these attitudes for the myths they are may allow us to better honor our loved ones’ lives while also reinforcing facts over fiction to others who are also affected by suicide.

Not all suicide deaths are resultant of what we clinically term “depression.” It is also important to remember that while everyone may feel depressed from time to time, perhaps following the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, the end to a romantic relationship, or other losses, clinical depression is not the same as situational depressed feelings, nor does one necessarily grow out of the other. Today, we must recognize that not all suicide deaths are linked so easily to clinical depression or, even for persons suffering from clinical depression, to that depression alone. Leading to a suicide attempt, there are a multitude of pressures at work on an individual, both social (including cultural, environmental, and interpersonal) as well as psychological (including one’s personal and familial mental health history, one’s losses, and one’s coping mechanisms for responding to suffering and trauma), and often biological (including chronic or life-threatening medical conditions, chemical imbalances, and effects of medications).

If your loved one died of suicide, it is natural for you to try to trace the components of their life that may have impacted their suicidality and led to their death. We want answers, and we may think that we need those answers to move on with our lives. Coming to terms with the impossibility of fully answering the question of “why?” is a hard realization, but it can begin to allow you to accept that you will never know fully exactly why the death occurred. 

Because suicide continues to be an act surrounded by attempts to place blame, whether on the deceased, his or her family or romantic partner, or the medical community, if we seek less to find an outlet for blame and more to identify contributory forces on the individual, we may recognize that someone who has died of suicide was trapped in their pain and unable to see any other way out of their pain. Suicidal people do not want to die; they want to end their suffering. To treat suicide as a “quick fix” or “easy way out,” as is often done, is a failure to recognize the pain from which our loved one suffered. While we all experience pain, loss, and obstacles in our lives, individuals who die of suicide were not able to respond to their pain in healthy ways – often due to the same biopsychosocial forces that led to their suicidality. 

After a suicide loss, we might become frustrated by all the options we believe that our loved one had to receive help. We might become angry at them or others for not getting the help that we think could have kept them alive. Recognizing that suicide is the product of a mind that isn’t working right can help us understand that while we can identify objective sources of assistance, in late-stage suicidality, our loved one’s mind genuinely could not see those possibilities anymore.

Historically, it was believed that if one spoke openly about the suicide death of a family or community member, they would risk “infecting” themselves or others by presenting suicide as an option. We still see effects of this misguided theory today; for example, we rarely, if ever, see the word “suicide” in an obituary or hear it at a memorial service for one who has died of suicide. Similarly, school communities are divided between communicating effectively with their students about the loss of a student to suicide and remaining fearful of romanticizing the death and presenting it as a possible “way out” for other students. Although this theory has been reexamined over the last decade and the idea that suicide is “infectious” is well on its way to being disproven, the idea that one can contract suicide from another person, as one would a virus or bacterial infection, still circulates in our contemporary culture. 

We need to resist remaining silent about suicide and our own suicide losses. It is not contagious, and without open and accurate conversations about it, including in memorialization, silence will continue to function as a way of shaming survivors and cultivating more silence around these deaths. The suicide death of your loved one was the endpoint of their unique and extraordinary life, not the totality of their life. They deserve that their pain be acknowledged along with their accomplishments. Additionally, other people living with suicidality need to know that they can break silences about their suffering. Talking about suicide is more likely to lead to those people seeking help rather than suffering in silence.  

One of the most dangerous ways in which we bar understanding of those who have died of suicide is to treat their means of death as a personal failure. Historically-inherited cultural norms teach members of our society that a person who died of suicide was weak, cowardly, and uncaring about their loved ones. In reality, as the result of many social, psychological, and biological factors that have nothing to do with “giving up” or “choosing death,” suicide is not about cowardice; it isn’t about weakness. Representations of people who die of suicide as being less strong or less caring of others are not only false but harmful to their survivors and to their own legacy. 

No one asks to become suicidal; no one hopes that suicidality will develop in them, just as no one wishes for a cancer to develop in them. Persons who attempt and die of suicide often report beforehand feeling ambivalent toward life and death, due to their suffering. Many cannot see or understand the impact their death will have on their loved ones, much in the same way that they cannot see options other than suicide in ending their pain. Anyone who lives for any length of time with exacerbating suicidality in a culture that shames suicidality is anything but a coward.

While the above myths are but a few of the many that suicide loss survivors face, sometimes on a daily basis, we also need to confront the ways in which our culture reinforces stigma through the language used to refer to suicide and those who suffer from it. Let’s consider conventional terminology: people say that “John killed himself” or “John committed suicide”; both of these statements show nothing but ignorance for the complexity and devastation of suicidal pain, rendering someone who died of a life-threatening condition a virtual criminal. Within our cultural context, we “commit” crimes – murder, theft, robbery. If we “kill,” our cultural values demand that we ought to be punished.  Criminalizing suicide through language is a barrier to understanding the pain of the suicidal individual. 

Your loved one did not commit a crime; they do not deserve cultural or interpersonal degradation in language. They died of suicide, which is a cause of death that can be acute, chronic, or life-threatening, like many other causes of death. Their death was not an act of free will produced by a healthy mind but a tragic result of complex pain.   

The loss of talent is one of the biggest challenges organizations face. In a competitive job market, managers can help ensure stability by intentionally creating a culture that people will be more likely to stay in. And, contrary to what is often assumed, it does not have to cost a lot of money.

Here are 10 ways managers can create a culture people will want to join and thrive in: 

Denise Reid and Martha Webb-Jones provide consultation on Human Resources policies and processes through Raven Plume Consulting. The mission of Raven Plume is to change the way people think about funeral service by sharing knowledge and expertise with funeral home and crematory professionals, clients, and the public.

With Cremation Strategies & Consulting, part of Raven Plume Consulting, you can get a discount in developing your SOP Manual and reduce liability, improve employee training, and ensure operations are done correctly, efficiently, and consistently. Available free to CANA Members, the Crematory Management Program provides step-by-step instructions to build a Standard Operating Procedures Manual with the help of experts. Not a member? Learn more about why CANA keeps growing!

Imagine stepping into a room filled with forward-thinking professionals eager to explore new, sustainable, and environmentally friendly options in the deathcare profession. The "Thinking Green" CANA Cremation Symposium in February promises innovation, where attendees can learn more about investing in fresh offerings, concepts, and services for their businesses. It's an exciting prospect, and the possibilities are endless.
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But here's the truth: having new, groundbreaking products or services in your arsenal is only half the battle. Without a well-equipped and effective sales force, those remarkable offerings risk becoming nothing more than dust-covered inventory and untapped potential.

In 2022, a certain cemetery (whose name we'll leave out of this narrative) made a noteworthy change. They observed that their top-selling urn vault was, for lack of a better word, underwhelming. It was a plastic, felt-lined, and barely-protective product, yet it was flying off the shelves, and understandably so – it came with an enticingly low price tag.

In response, the cemetery decided to remove this particular urn vault from their price list entirely. They left it to the sales and service team to offer the product only in situations that warranted it, rather than featuring it in literature. It seemed like a logical step towards promoting higher-quality, more protective offerings, and a brief memo was electronically sent to the sales team to let them know that the product would no longer be found in their price book. In addition, samples of the superior vaults were added to each display unit. However, there was a critical piece missing from this equation: thorough communication and sales training. The cemetery failed to inform its sales force about WHY this change was happening and failed to equip them with the necessary tools to effectively sell these higher-quality, higher-priced alternatives.
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Fast forward to 2023, and the results were all too familiar. That low-cost urn vault, the same one that had been deemed insufficient in 2022, continued to reign supreme. Not a single additional unit of the superior, higher-priced urn vaults had been sold in 2023. The cemetery's well-intentioned change had gone unnoticed by the sales team, and the status quo remained unchanged.

The lesson was clear: nothing sells itself. Even when you have cutting-edge, eco-friendly, high-quality, and innovative products or services, you need a team that can effectively convey their value to your customers. As humans, we tend to gravitate towards what we know, what's comfortable, and what requires the least effort. In the absence of a compelling sales strategy, the default option often wins, regardless of its true worth. And contrary to popular belief, yes, salespeople are humans (insert chuckle here).

As we look forward to the "Thinking Green" CANA Cremation Symposium, where innovative and sustainable deathcare options take center stage, let's not forget the pivotal role that a comprehensive sales program plays. A well-equipped sales force is the linchpin that transforms remarkable products and services into tangible solutions for your clients.

Mark your calendars for my session at the Symposium, titled "Growing Sales: Selling with Sensitivity," scheduled for Thursday, February 15th at 8:30am. In this transformative session, we will explore an approach that seamlessly aligns sales ambitions with genuine concerns for families. Join us to discover how empathy, service, and connection can elevate your sales strategy and empower your team to present and sell innovative offerings effectively.
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In the world of deathcare, where innovation and sustainability take center stage, remember that nothing sells itself. It takes a dedicated and skilled sales force to showcase the true value of your offerings. Equip your team with the knowledge, skills, and motivation needed to present these innovations persuasively.

This is the sympathy business. On a regular basis, we’re expected to offer up our condolences, well wishes, and sympathy.
 
But empathy, a word which often gets confused for the same thing, is even more important to our success. Sympathy is defined as “feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune.” Empathy, on the other hand, is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.” In short, you can be sympathetic without being empathetic. But empathy will make you not only more effective at caring for the bereaved, but at managing your business.
 
The classic “burial-or-cremation” dichotomy is illustrative of this point. Even those who know better often let our language betray the misunderstanding that there are essentially only two kinds of people in the world: the conservative, religious, pro-burial traditionalists; and the liberal, postmodern, pro-cremation rebels. While it’s perhaps a step in the right direction to understand that not everybody wants the same thing, it’s not nearly a step far enough.

The reality of how the modern American — your customer — sees the world and your business is far, far more nuanced. McKee Wallwork’s proprietary research methodology, IDEALS®, asks thousands of people across the US hundreds  of questions on their Interests, Desires, Emotions, Attitudes, and Lifestyles to discover market Segmentation. This psychographic segmentation research conducted by my firm has shown seven segments that people statistically sort themselves into, and each is much more complicated than a simple preference on burial or religion.
 
For example, if I were to tell you that a heavily tattooed atheist was about to walk through your door to make arrangements, you might have some assumptions about that individual. But the 14% of the population who my firm has nicknamed “Free Spirits” (the most likely segment to have tattoos, and the most likely to identify as atheist) is also the most likely segment to have posted condolences on your firm’s website, the most willing to talk about their own funeral plans, and the least likely to express opposition to a viewing (that’s not a typo). In many ways, the individual you’re liable to write off as a direct-cremation loss is actually highly interested in what you offer.
 
Or, while 40% of the market (a rapidly shrinking number, by the way) is what you might call a traditional funeral consumer, roughly a third of that group is motivated primarily by the quality, and even status symbol, projected by the funeral; another third is motivated by local ownership; and another third is motivated primarily by religion. These three sub-categories look very similar (in life and on paper), but confuse them at your own risk, because the reality is they will prioritize very different needs.
 
At the other end of the spectrum is who we call the “Distanced and Decided.” These are the classic cremationists, but our research revealed an interesting nuance: community size (household size, proximity to family, frequency of communicating with family) seemed to be a driver in these folks’ decisions just as much as politics or religion. In other words, they’re prone to cremate primarily because they don’t believe anyone would come to their graves. This kind of insight reveals how our profession is impacted by societal and cultural shifts, and how new products and services will always be needed, tailored to evolving subcultures.
 
Or, consider the youngest segments planning funerals. They split statistically into two camps: one, the “Resolute Rookies,” are more removed from death than perhaps any group of people in human history: they don’t know anybody who has ever died, and they think they can avoid the whole business as a result. But another cohort their same age is a funeral director’s dream: they understand that funerals are for the living, represent a post-Boomer pendulum swing back toward tradition, religion, ceremony, and viewings, and represent perhaps the most affluent category in recent memory who is ready to spend on funerals (long driveways and long bills).

The point is this: there’s no silver bullet, and while there is value in letting go of the “all-things-to-all-people” concept that is a burden and a distraction to your business, there’s even more value in thinking really intentionally about empathy. When we look closer than the simple choices and assumptions, we’ll be able to venture a guess at not only what people are asking for, but why. And when we do that, we can lead them toward the considerations and options that not only make for good business, but good grief.
 
We don’t have to be a profession or a business. Our success will only come insofar as we do both. And the better we become at listening, looking deeply, understanding motivations, and seeking to provide people with what they really need (as opposed to what we think they should ask for), the more successful we will become — both as business owners and as servants to hurting families.

Hold onto your smartwatches, folks. Here comes a potentially scandalous statement:
Not everything in our lives benefits from being Uber-ized or given the "there’s an app for that" treatment. Case in point? Deathcare sales.
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Yes, I know. In an age where even our refrigerators have Wi-Fi and Alexa can tell you a joke when you’re feeling down (though, let's be honest, some of her jokes are rather... refrigerated), here I am, diving into a topic that might make some tech enthusiasts raise an eyebrow. "Whoa, is she really about to go there? Bold statement, Altenburg!"

End-of-life planning is far from your average purchase. It's not about snagging a deal during a Black Friday sale or choosing between iPhone models. We’re diving deep into the realms of mortality, legacy, and the deep love we have for those we’ll someday leave behind.

So, before you start building holograms of funeral planners or virtual reality cemetery tours into your business plan, remember: this purchase is driven by raw, unfiltered emotion, not by how snazzy the tech might seem.

Allow me to share a true story of a top-selling Counselor who for years rode the crest of success but this year, got a little too cozy with his tech gadgets. He crunched the numbers and thought, "Why settle for three face-to-face meetings in a day when I can chat with 15 people electronically in the same timeframe?"

He took the plunge. Instead of his usual in-person consultations, he dove into emails, texts, and Facebook messages. From 15 weekly face-to-face presentations, he plummeted to less than five, so that he could focus on his electronic 'presentations', which shot up to over 60 per week.

He was presenting to more people than he had before… So he sold more and earned more, right?

Wrong.

It wasn't a mere dip in sales; it was what I would refer to as a screeching halt. His stellar five-figure contract average came crashing down to below two grand, and his average contracts-written-per-month decreased by 60%.

If you’re a commission-based salesperson, you probably felt the punch in your gut just reading those statistics.

The Counselor wasn’t just broke, he was genuinely perplexed. "These families seem so interested in our emails," he'd lament during our meetings. "Why don’t they finalize things? Why aren’t they following through?"

In his quest for efficiency, our Counselor had become just another blip on the digital radar, another ping among the ceaseless barrage of notifications that his potential clients received daily.
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Gone was the opportunity to really understand them, to discover the stories behind their eyes, or to grasp the weight of their decisions about end-of-life care. In eschewing face-to-face interactions, he'd unknowingly snuffed out the chance for genuine human connection. With this disconnect, the emotional motivation that once drove his clients to act in the best interests of their loved ones evaporated.

With everything from our toasters to our toothbrushes getting smart upgrades, it's certainly easy to be sold on the idea that tech is the magic pill for all industries. And yes, Zoom meetings, e-signatures, and digital brochures have their perks.
But, beware of the digital rabbit hole.

Where a new smartphone, car, or astronaut-designed pair of sneakers might be sold through slick online ads, the intricacies of deathcare sales need a different touch.
Something warmer.

More human.

There's no app that can replicate the comfort of a reassuring hand on the shoulder, the understanding in a compassionate gaze, or the vulnerability shared in a heartfelt story by an end-of-life expert and guide (ahem, that’s you).

Face-to-face discussion is the arena where the magic happens in our field.
These interactions allow for that deep emotional connection; they keep the focus on the very human reasons for end-of-life decision-making, and frankly, we’re short-changing ourselves and the families we serve by utilizing technology as a shortcut around true connection.

Okay, tech aficionados, before you start hurling virtual tomatoes at me, let me be clear: Technology isn't the enemy. Heck, it’s pretty darn useful. And yes, I use it too! Organizing schedules, maintaining client records, sending reminders – these are areas where technology shines. The trick is to ensure that it complements, not replaces, the human touch.

Once clients step out of the cocoon of a heartfelt chat, the digital world with its pings, notifications, and endless scroll can swoop in, shifting their mindset back to cold, hard logic. And we all know that logic isn’t what leads end-of-life decision-making and planning… Emotion is.
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While tech might bring them to our door, it's the face-to-face relationship-building connection that seals the deal. The moment it becomes just a transaction, the essence of what we truly do becomes lost. In fact, logic and end-of-life arrangements can be like oil and water in our shiny-product-focused society.

Amidst the cautionary tales, it's essential to acknowledge technology's transformative potential. While it shouldn't usurp our personal touch, it can, without a doubt, amplify it. The trick? Let technology be the bridge, not the destination.

1. Meeting People Where They Are: An age-old sales mantra reminds us to "meet people where they are". In today's digitized age, that place is, unequivocally, online. However, while our prospecting might begin in the vast digital realm, our endgame shouldn't be a swift, impersonal "ka-ching" sale. Instead, aim for a resonant "ker-plunk" - a genuine sit-down, face-to-face conversation. By shifting our prospecting goal from sale to real conversation, technology becomes a tool to bring us closer to people, rather than an impersonal shortcut around them.
   
   
2. Scheduling Made Simple: Use automated tools to help clients effortlessly book and reschedule appointments, removing barriers and facilitating heartfelt conversations.
   
   
3. Engaging Teasers: Virtual cemetery tours or introductory videos can generate interest and lay the foundation for trust, setting the scene for deeper in-person interactions.
   
   
4. Prompting with Personal Touch: Automated reminders can be peppered with personal anecdotes or notes from prior meetings, reinforcing the human presence behind the tech interface.
   
   
5. Learning and Preparation: Glean clients' preferences and needs beforehand, ensuring that personal interactions are more tailored and impactful.
   
   
6. Digital Workshops and Webinars: Educate a broad audience about end-of-life planning. Such sessions often lead clients to seek personalized discussions for deeper understanding.
   
   
7. Virtual Face-to-Face: In-person meetings are our gold standard, yet sometimes geography intervenes. If a client is a drive away, make that trip. Be it their home, your office, or a quiet café corner. But when miles turn into lightyears, don't resign yourself to mere texts. A virtual face-to-face, courtesy of platforms like Zoom, trumps an impersonal interaction. It's a testament to the adage: "If you can't be there in person, be there in spirit (and on-screen)."

Striking the right balance between tech efficiency and human connection is an art. It's about ensuring that every digital touchpoint leads, not to a sale, but to a genuine human interaction. Because when it comes to deathcare sales, the most potent app on the market is empathy.

And if ever there was an industry that needed a personal touch, it's ours. After all, we’re not peddling sneakers or smart fridges here (although I wouldn’t say no to one that makes ice cream on demand). We’re dealing with the most profound of human experiences. Let’s ensure our approach is equally profound.
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And a final note to the tech gurus that are working so hard to sell their newest AI product as the easy sell: Just as tech conversations can't match the indelible mark of in-person heart-to-hearts, fling a digital tomato my way and you'll see it won't leave quite the same stain as a real one would. So, you'll have to book a face-to-face appointment with me to ensure that red blotch really sets in!

Imagine you’re at CANA’s 105th Convention in Washington, D.C., listening to a session you’ve been looking forward to for months. The presenter is known for their excellent communication skills. How do you picture this scene?
If we think about the three types of communication – verbal, nonverbal and written – then:

1. Verbal communication. When communicating verbally, you use your words and tone of voice to share information with others. If the speaker is a great verbal communicator, you might hear them clearly pronouncing their words, telling a straightforward story and emphasizing key points.
2. Nonverbal communication. Nonverbal messages include your body language, facial expressions, physical appearance and actions. If they are a skilled nonverbal communicator, you might see them dressed sharply, standing tall on the stage and pairing facial expressions and gestures with words.
3. Written communication. Written messages are text-based and communicate meaning when read. If they are a great written communicator, you might see their points clearly summarized in their presentation or read a concise and persuasive email recap in your inbox.

Just like this presenter, you can become a more skilled communicator by using verbal, nonverbal and written communication effectively.

So what are some key considerations when you’re working to improve your communication? Let’s look at the same types of communication again:

VERBAL

“HithankyouforcallingABCFuneralHomemynameisJames”

Their first response to that greeting might be along the lines of, “…um?” – not an engaging start.

When the ringing phone has interrupted something we’re doing, it can take a moment to shift gears. But you shouldn’t let your communications suffer for it. Pause and take a deep breath to ready yourself for the call. Adopt a warm tone and speak slowly and confidently to tell them you’re present and engaged. Your tone should match your message and make your first impression the right one. Not to brag, but I’ve often been confused for a pre-recorded message when I answer the phone. Sure, it means people often start pressing buttons in my ear, but I know they’re convinced of my professionalism!

NONVERBAL
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Even if you’re not paying attention, your actions will communicate meaning. Be aware of your gestures, facial expressions, clothing and body language. Pair these nonverbal cues with your words to make your message and meaning clear.
And even when you’re not actively communicating, your body can give the impression of attentiveness, interest and confidence. Try sitting up straight and keeping your body language open by uncrossing your arms and legs.
Still need to be convinced? Get a little help from Friends:

WRITTEN

​“Thnak you for meeting w/me today. I look foward to serving you famly.” 
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Even if you had a productive meeting with the client-family, you could ruin your credibility if you sent a follow-up riddled with errors. Always re-read before sending, keep communications brief but clear, and have a plan before you start writing so you remember everything that needs to be included.

Without thinking about it, funeral professionals might use jargon and euphemisms to be accurate and convey dignity and professionalism. Unfortunately, families often use different words, and this can lead to misunderstandings. When using verbal and written communication, take time to think about your phrasing and always use language the family is comfortable with.
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The difference between ashes and cremated remains is the most common example in cremation. While we use cremated remains to distinguish between chimney ash and the bone fragments following cremation – plus the emotional distinction between wood and a loved one – a family is less aware of what to expect.  Not to mention operational terms like first call and casket can require additional clarification and sensitivity to what clients know about funeral service. We don’t need to correct their language or word choice. We should mirror their language and, as appropriate, respectfully share the professional term to describe what they can expect.

By using these three types of communication more effectively, you can become a more skilled communicator. Here’s a helpful checklist of questions to ask yourself:

• Verbal: Am I speaking slowly and confidently? Am I staying on topic? Does my tone of voice match my message?
• Nonverbal: Does my body language and appearance match my message? Am I pairing my nonverbal cues with spoken words? Are my gestures open and friendly?
• Written: Did I plan out my writing? Is my message clear and concise? Did I proofread my work for correct grammar, spelling and punctuation?

The best part about practicing your communication is that you don’t have to wait until you’re at the arrangement table. You can see how approaching the check-out counter with an open expression and eye-contact changes the interaction at the register. You can cut back on your *darn autocorrect messages by taking that extra second to re-read before sending. Effective communication makes a difference throughout your life!

In my work as a suicidologist and thanatologist, I have observed that suicide is one of the most misunderstood causes of death in our society and that our culture has stigmatized and silenced suicide with devastating results for individual survivors and communities. Approximately one million people die every year of suicide worldwide, leaving millions of grievers who are bereaved due to suicide death loss, yet often, survivors feel the weight of suicide stigma and do not receive the supportive and helpful responses they need to navigate their complex grief journeys.

When I work with students and clients who want to support someone they care about who has lost a loved one to suicide, the most frequent concerns they express are, “I don’t know how to help them,” and “I don’t know what to say.” These frustrations are understandable – we live in a culture that often silences open and educationally-supported conversations about suicide, so many people feel at a loss for how to assist a loved one’s grief journey after suicide.
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It is my hope that the following information will assist you in being an empathic and helpful presence in the lives of suicide loss survivors.

In my blog post, “Surviving Suicide Stigma,” I discuss several of the most harmful myths still circulating in dominant culture:

• Suicide is always the result of clinical depression.
• The suicide death was a “quick fix” for problems that could easily have been solved or an “easy way out.”
• If we talk about suicide, or about a loved one who died of suicide, we may risk becoming suicidal or causing another person to become suicidal.
• Suicide is an act of cowardice or personal weakness; while everyone feels badly sometimes, suicide is “wrong,” “selfish,” or “weak.”

Several of these myths stem from the ultimate misunderstanding of suicide, the belief that it is an act of free will or a rational choice. In fact, we now understand that suicide is a complicated phenomenon rooted in pain. Usually, there are many sources of pain – psychological, sociological, spiritual, and even biological – that accumulate for some people who are suicidal until the pain becomes so great that the suicidal person literally cannot see another way to end their pain.
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If we can understand that someone who died of suicide was experiencing complex suffering and that suicide was the product of a mind that was not working right, then we can begin to be of support to suicide loss survivors without the confusion and stigma that myths about suicide reinforce.

Because of the intense stigma associated with suicide, suicide loss survivors may internalize feelings of guilt and shame on their own behalf and on behalf of their deceased loved one. These feelings are often reinforced by thoughtless or harmful responses from co-workers, friends, and family members. In recent years, social media has increased incidences of suicide loss survivors feeling shamed and isolated, both through posted speculation about the death and judgment, often from people not even known to the survivor.

The shame and isolation often experienced by survivors complicates their already-difficult grief over the loss. As we know, all grief experiences are unique, but for suicide loss survivors, the interpersonal and institutional responses they receive following the death can introduce unique elements to their responses to the death. In the months following a suicide death loss, many survivors report an increase in physical problems such as brain fog, insomnia, gastrointestinal issues, and chronic headaches. The sociological stressors due to silence and shame may increase survivors’ isolation and make them less likely to reach out for support. Psychologically, suicide loss survivors are at high risk for disenfranchised grief and prolonged grief. And while studies differ in terms of numbers, we also know that primary survivors of a suicide death loss are at higher risk for developing suicidality over the course of their lifetime.
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Being a suicide loss survivor is like being in a club that you never wanted to join. I encourage survivors to speak to others bereaved by suicide because it can be easier to tell their stories without fear of judgment, but it is equally important that people who have never lost a loved one to suicide feel equipped to support loved ones who have.

Use appropriate and non-criminalizing language. Instead of using terms like “committed suicide” or “killed himself,” use language that demonstrates that you understand that the person who died was not a criminal for their suicidality but was suffering: “John died of suicide.”

Acknowledge the pain of the person who died. “John’s death is a tragedy. I am so sorry that he was in so much pain that he could not see another way to end that pain.”

Do not ask inappropriate questions. Asking someone about the specific means by which their loved one died of suicide, the condition of their body, or other details that can provoke trauma responses is never appropriate.

Practice empathy. Work to dismantle any biases you might hold about suicide and try to resist mapping your own belief system or judgments onto survivors. Be receptive to the feelings they can identify or express, and validate all of those feelings. Survivors may be experiencing shock, anger, and confusion in addition to other grief responses – be ready for it and be patient.

Follow their lead. When talking with a suicide loss survivor, give them space to tell the story of their loss without probing them. After a suicide death, survivors may talk about the timeline of the day of death in minute detail in an attempt to come to terms with the reality of the loss. They may be very repetitive, or they may not want to talk about the details at all in the early days following the loss.

Engage in attuned listening. When talking to a suicide loss survivor, maintain eye contact, demonstrate that you are hearing them, and engage in non-threatening physical touch if appropriate. Importantly, do not look away if they begin to cry.

Keep confidentiality. If a suicide loss survivor shares details, feelings, or worries related to their loss, assure them that you will not share that information with others. Because of the stigma associated with suicide, having someone trustworthy in which to confide is crucial to survivors feeling supported.

Offer to help them make meaning of the loss. While everyone’s trajectory of mourning is different, many suicide loss survivors actively seek to make meaning from the loss, either through doing public education on suicide, creating public memorialization of their loved one through scholarships or other donations, or via community involvement for suicide prevention. While I would not advise encouraging survivors to throw themselves into these kinds of activities in the first few months following a suicide death loss, I have seen the value in them for many survivors even years after the loss has occurred. If the person who died valued education, ask if you can start a scholarship fund in their loved one’s name. If they were a nature lover, ask if you can organize a tree planting for them.

Help them remember the life of their loved one. Those bereaved due to suicide do not ever forget their loved one, though strangely, they often report friends and family not talking about the loved one after the first few weeks of the loss. Do not be afraid to speak the name of the person who has died, share memories you have of them, or remind the person you care about of memories they had told you about with their loved one. Because our culture often reduces the life of someone who has died of suicide simply to their cause of death, it is both valuable and meaningful to remember the birthday and date of death of the deceased and check in on those days. It can also be immeasurably helpful to talk about the person who has died regularly in conversations, acknowledging their interests, work, hobbies, and unique qualities, rather than only talk about their death.

This year, International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day is Saturday, November 18, 2023. As both a suicidologist and suicide death loss survivor, I will be spending the day thinking of the lives that ended tragically and honoring the pain with which they suffered prior to their deaths. I will also be thinking of all the other suicide death loss survivors I have known and wishing for them an easing of their grief. Finally, I will be renewing my promise to help end the epidemic of suicide in our culture in hopes for a future in which so many are not lost and so many are not bereaved.

Thank you for your commitment to supporting the suicide loss survivors in your life.

Are you open to new ideas? Do you embrace modern channels of customer communications? Are you and your team skilled in sales and logistics?
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If you answered yes to each of these questions, I suspect you’ve already embraced cremation as the future of funeral service. In my experience, these are the qualities that set cremation-focused business owners apart from traditional funeral directors. They constantly monitor their target markets and adjust their messaging, services, products and channels to meet consumer needs.

The past two years have seen a quiet transformation in the way consumers talk about death and deathcare services. The cremation specialists I talk with work hard to stay abreast of the evolving preferences of deathcare consumers and are extremely open to new ideas. They have put aside many of their preconceived notions of what a funeral service should be and are nimble in adapting to what today’s families want them to be. Cremation-focused firms are not tied to any one product or service. They recognize the more transient nature of today’s families and the need for more flexibility and personalization in the arrangement process.

What people want will change continuously as the years pass and so too will the way they communicate with family, friends and service providers. Cremation-focused firms embrace the most modern forms of communications and take an omnichannel approach to marketing, sales and service.

What do I mean by omnichannel? Omnichannel involves using all available media channels and is centered around the customer. Many traditional community-based firms still rely heavily on word-of-mouth and community connections to market and grow their funeral homes’ customer base. It’s an approach that has worked well over the years for firms rooted in traditional high-end casketed funerals but one that is much less adaptable to the lifestyles of many modern families. The most progressive funeral professionals focus on the customer offering personalized messages and a seamless, unified experience. This allows families to easily access information from any channel, which is connected to all others with a consistent look and feel that builds trust. In fact, the new acceptance of digital channels for deathcare arrangements is essentially what has made high-volume cremation businesses possible

Cremation-first firms are digitally driven using ecommerce, social media and Google ads to reach broad audiences. These firms represent brick-and-mortar locations as well as online portals like Foundation Partners’ two direct-to-consumer brands, Tulip Cremation and Solace Cremation, offering families convenience, simplicity and support online and by phone, without the need to visit a funeral home.

I am proud of the members of our profession who are embracing cremation and adjusting their business plans to profitably offer the products and services today’s family want. The skill, dedication and compassion of full-service funeral home owners continue be highly valued by American families, and many long-time funeral directors are expanding their operations to include more cremation-focused offerings. Moreover, cremation does not diminish the need to provide quality family service and counsel. Regardless of their choice of final disposition, all families want and need guidance in making appropriate deathcare plans for their loved ones. Our job, as funeral service professionals, is to continually look for new ways to make that experience better.

Whether it’s on the phone with a price shopper, around the arrangement table with a grieving family, or in the breakroom with a colleague, empathy is at the root of successful communication.

Communicating with empathy requires that we listen before we speak, acknowledge what we’ve heard, and validate the other person’s emotions to let them know they’re not alone. Empathy opens the door to conversations built on respect, truth and collaboration. And when we cultivate these characteristics, we can improve team collaboration and cohesion, create higher levels of trust with our customers, and more effectively resolve conflicts. Doesn’t that sound like a powerful force for effective communication?

Communicating with empathy starts when we slow down. Taking time to listen and withhold judgment allows us to give our focus on the other person.

Here are four key pieces of the empathetic listening process:

1. PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING.
“Have you ever wondered why we have two eyes, two ears and only one mouth?” This old chestnut is such a universal concept, we can’t even attribute it to one person. The answer, of course, is because we need to listen and observe twice as much as we speak. Unlike hearing, which is automatic, listening takes work. This isn’t just the time spent waiting before you can speak – this is the time to show respect. By focusing on understanding, paying close attention and showing the speaker you’re engaged, you can strengthen your listening skills and become a better communicator.

2. ACKNOWLEDGE AND PARAPHRASE WHAT YOU’VE HEARD.
Let the person know you’ve heard them. For the benefit of others in the conversation as well as yourself, test your understanding by summarizing what you’ve heard. Paraphrasing shows that you care enough to check your understanding – plus you can double-check that it was really Uncle Frank’s ex’s sister’s granddaughter who spilled the punch at the wedding (and not his granddaughter – whoops!). Then, ask relevant questions that show you’re paying attention and you want to learn more.

3. VALIDATE THE OTHER PERSON.
In every conversation, but especially on the phone, it’s important to reassure the speaker that you’re there. Without interrupting, give brief and positive prompts like “Uh-huh” and “Mm-hmm” so they know you’re with them. Then, when it is time for you to speak, first acknowledge what they said by validating their feelings. We know grief is as unique as the life lived, and the feelings associated with this conversation will be unique, too. The speaker is sharing their truth, and this is your time to honor it. Whatever they’re feeling, let them know it’s normal and they’re not alone.

4. OFFER SUPPORT.
Support can come in many forms. You’re already well on your way by listening and validating their experience. Sometimes someone may want your advice or assistance, but you can never assume. It’s tempting to try to fix the problem, but sometimes a person just wants to feel heard. They want to feel less alone.

Have you ever chatted with automated tech support and gotten generic responses that don’t address your actual issue? It’s infuriating not to feel heard by a human! As a professional who has seen hundreds of memorial services, it may feel natural to jump in immediately and offer to support them with that experience—but this is their moment, not yours. Give them time to detail their situation and make sure you understand it. Rather than offering ideas right away, let the person know that you’re listening and that you’re ready to answer questions. This sets up the spirit of collaboration and personalization that your experience can bring. By offering support rather than giving it un-asked, you’re telling the other person that not only do you understand, but you also care.

Empathy means stepping into someone else’s shoes—but what happens when the shoe doesn’t fit? An empathy roadblock is anything that gets in the way of our understanding. These barriers can form when we’re too absorbed in our own lives to carry through with the process outlined above, or when we simply can’t relate to another person. If our experiences are too different, or if we have polarized views on a topic or situation, it’s difficult to express empathy. We let our judgments, outlooks and egos get in the way of our understanding. 

Whether or not they’re intentional, these barriers cause us to shut others out. And, as a result, others may close themselves off to us. When we give in to empathy roadblocks, we obstruct our ability to both understand and be understood. We block our ability to communicate effectively.

When communicating with others and facing these blocks, ask yourself: 

• Are there any distractions getting in the way of my understanding?
• Am I jumping to conclusions?
• Am I more focused on debating rather than understanding?
• Do I need to overcome any biases about this person?

Communicating with empathy takes practice, and it won’t happen overnight. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait until you’re sitting at the arrangement table! Skills like active listening work just as well on the phone with your family as they do with a price shopper. Validating is just as important at the dinner table when you’re rehashing the day as it is at the arrangement table. Paraphrasing can iron out the details at the mechanic and at the chapel. And CANA is here to offer support, you just have to ask!