COMMUNICATING WITH EMPATHY AS CREMATION SPECIALISTS

Whether it’s on the phone with a price shopper, around the arrangement table with a grieving family, or in the breakroom with a colleague, empathy is at the root of successful communication.

Communicating with empathy requires that we listen before we speak, acknowledge what we’ve heard, and validate the other person’s emotions to let them know they’re not alone. Empathy opens the door to conversations built on respect, truth and collaboration. And when we cultivate these characteristics, we can improve team collaboration and cohesion, create higher levels of trust with our customers, and more effectively resolve conflicts. Doesn’t that sound like a powerful force for effective communication?

HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE WITH EMPATHY?

Communicating with empathy starts when we slow down. Taking time to listen and withhold judgment allows us to give our focus on the other person.

Here are four key pieces of the empathetic listening process:

1. PRACTICE ACTIVE LISTENING.
“Have you ever wondered why we have two eyes, two ears and only one mouth?” This old chestnut is such a universal concept, we can’t even attribute it to one person. The answer, of course, is because we need to listen and observe twice as much as we speak. Unlike hearing, which is automatic, listening takes work. This isn’t just the time spent waiting before you can speak – this is the time to show respect. By focusing on understanding, paying close attention and showing the speaker you’re engaged, you can strengthen your listening skills and become a better communicator.

2. ACKNOWLEDGE AND PARAPHRASE WHAT YOU’VE HEARD.
Let the person know you’ve heard them. For the benefit of others in the conversation as well as yourself, test your understanding by summarizing what you’ve heard. Paraphrasing shows that you care enough to check your understanding – plus you can double-check that it was really Uncle Frank’s ex’s sister’s granddaughter who spilled the punch at the wedding (and not his granddaughter – whoops!). Then, ask relevant questions that show you’re paying attention and you want to learn more.

3. VALIDATE THE OTHER PERSON.
In every conversation, but especially on the phone, it’s important to reassure the speaker that you’re there. Without interrupting, give brief and positive prompts like “Uh-huh” and “Mm-hmm” so they know you’re with them. Then, when it is time for you to speak, first acknowledge what they said by validating their feelings. We know grief is as unique as the life lived, and the feelings associated with this conversation will be unique, too. The speaker is sharing their truth, and this is your time to honor it. Whatever they’re feeling, let them know it’s normal and they’re not alone.

4. OFFER SUPPORT.
Support can come in many forms. You’re already well on your way by listening and validating their experience. Sometimes someone may want your advice or assistance, but you can never assume. It’s tempting to try to fix the problem, but sometimes a person just wants to feel heard. They want to feel less alone.

Have you ever chatted with automated tech support and gotten generic responses that don’t address your actual issue? It’s infuriating not to feel heard by a human! As a professional who has seen hundreds of memorial services, it may feel natural to jump in immediately and offer to support them with that experience—but this is their moment, not yours. Give them time to detail their situation and make sure you understand it. Rather than offering ideas right away, let the person know that you’re listening and that you’re ready to answer questions. This sets up the spirit of collaboration and personalization that your experience can bring. By offering support rather than giving it un-asked, you’re telling the other person that not only do you understand, but you also care.

​OVERCOMING EMPATHY ROADBLOCKS

Empathy means stepping into someone else’s shoes—but what happens when the shoe doesn’t fit? An empathy roadblock is anything that gets in the way of our understanding. These barriers can form when we’re too absorbed in our own lives to carry through with the process outlined above, or when we simply can’t relate to another person. If our experiences are too different, or if we have polarized views on a topic or situation, it’s difficult to express empathy. We let our judgments, outlooks and egos get in the way of our understanding. 

Whether or not they’re intentional, these barriers cause us to shut others out. And, as a result, others may close themselves off to us. When we give in to empathy roadblocks, we obstruct our ability to both understand and be understood. We block our ability to communicate effectively.

When communicating with others and facing these blocks, ask yourself: 

• Are there any distractions getting in the way of my understanding?
• Am I jumping to conclusions?
• Am I more focused on debating rather than understanding?
• Do I need to overcome any biases about this person?

Communicating with empathy takes practice, and it won’t happen overnight. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait until you’re sitting at the arrangement table! Skills like active listening work just as well on the phone with your family as they do with a price shopper. Validating is just as important at the dinner table when you’re rehashing the day as it is at the arrangement table. Paraphrasing can iron out the details at the mechanic and at the chapel. And CANA is here to offer support, you just have to ask!

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This post is excerpted from CANA’s online and on-demand course on Communication Skills Fundamentals. This one-hour course gives practical examples on communicating with empathy and overcoming roadblocks much more in-depth than this overview. It also covers the spoken and unspoken parts of communication that are just as important to get your message across. This online course focuses on the fundamentals of effective communication.

"I found greatest value in developing empathy,” said CCS graduate Jason Armstrong. “This helps me to more keenly recognize what families are and have been going through and extend grace for where they are now."

Communication Skills Fundamentals can be taken anytime, or participants can register to become a CANA-Certified Cremation Specialist and take this course with seven others that are designed to take your skills to the next level. Registration closes July 17, 2023, and space is limited, so act soon!

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​Jennifer Werthman is the Education Director for the Cremation Association of North America (CANA). A former high school science teacher, she has over 25 years of experience in education. She holds a bachelor’s degree in Science Teaching from Clemson University and a master’s degree in Curriculum, Instruction and Assessment from Walden University. During her ten years working for the American Foundry Society, with the last five serving as the Director of Education, she was responsible for the administration of the AFS Institute’s workforce training programs as well as for facility, operations, staff and budget management. Jennifer joined CANA in 2015, overseeing all of CANA’s education programs, including development of the association’s online courses and planning annual meetings. She is also an adjunct instructor for Worsham College.