SUPPORTING A PET PARENT’S GRIEF

Growing up as the daughter of a traditional funeral director, I never would have imagined that five decades later I would be caring for those grieving the loss of a pet. Back in 1972, when my father first began taking calls from clients wanting burial and cremation services for their pets, it was considered “taboo.” In other words, “People just wouldn’t understand.” I have vivid memories of my father telling stories of how clients would request that he arrive in an unmarked vehicle and that he come after dark because they did not want their neighbors to know they were caring for their pet in this way. Can you imagine not being able to openly grieve or mourn a loss that was so emotionally devastating to you?

Fast forward to today, where, according to the American Pet Products Association, over 67% of the US population now owns a pet, and 45% own more than one pet. Expenditures for pets are expected to surpass $99 billion in 2020, so it is easy to see that our pets have truly become members of the family. In fact, a 2001 survey from the American Animal Hospital Association revealed that 83% of pet owners refer to themselves as pet parents. For those with value added services marketing to the pet sector, how care is communicated to those pet parents is important and can be the difference in building and sustaining lifelong relationships with pet families.

the human-animal bond

Did you know the human-animal bond dates back more than 16,000 years? Burials for pets have been found in Germany from 14,000 BCE, in North America from 11,000 BCE, and China from 7,000 BCE. Alexander the Great owned a mastiff named Peritas. When Peritas died, Alexander led a sizeable funeral procession and burial, erected a large monument, and ordered the locals to honor his dog’s death every year with a festival. The human-animal bond is strong. Whether it is a furry child to empty-nesters, a best friend to the children in a family, or an only companion during a major adult life change, we should not be surprised when a pet parent seems to be “over the top” in how they choose to honor their beloved furry family member.

The grief can be overwhelming. I’ve often heard, “This has been more difficult than losing a human family member.” The bond with a pet is like no other relationship; there is no emotional baggage, there is just pure, unconditional love. That can be hard to find by today’s standards. It is no wonder that pet parents today are seeking more personalized caring services for their beloved furry family members.
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Whether it’s holding a viewing with family and friends, conducting an informal ceremony to scatter cremated remains, taking part in a witness cremation, or being able to choose the perfect personalization for the right urn, pet parents don’t just want choices – they need choices. As pet bereavement experts, it is important that we don’t shut those opportunities off during the decision-making stage. Making sure these options are known to the pet parent can become part of their healing process. Like planning a service for any human, we shouldn’t assume every pet parent desires the “standard service.” Pet parents need to be able to honor the emotional bond they held with their beloved furry family.

a pet parent's grief

I recently had the honor of working with Jennifer Werthman, Education Director for CANA, and Debra Bjorling, owner of Hamilton Pet Meadow in New Jersey and Past President of the IAOPCC. We were working collaboratively to develop the new, online version of the IAOPCC’s Pet Bereavement Certification Level 1 Program. As we talked through the many phases of the program and the more unusual stories of grief that we had experienced with pet parents, it struck me as to how universally similar the stories often were. At the heart of every pet parent is the need to grieve, the need to know they are being heard, and the need for an empathetic and understanding voice.

After 32 years of working with pet parents, I know it can be easy to find yourself on autopilot and focusing on the details of the arrangements, urn personalization, and memorials rather than the grieving person in front of you. But I also know that what determines a lasting relationship with any pet parent is being able to effectively communicate care and concern for their loss and express a willingness to actively listen to their pain.

We all are aware of the varying stages of grief: Shock, Denial and Disbelief, Anger, Guilt, and Resolution. But are we committed to communicating well at every stage of a pet parent’s grief, both verbally and non-verbally? Knowing what to say and what not to say to a pet parent who is experiencing shock, profound sadness or unbridled anger is important. It can calm or escalate a situation.

We live in a culturally diverse society with different backgrounds, religious affiliations and beliefs about pet death. Words can have consequences. Make sure you and your staff know how to respond to that inevitable question that anyone dealing in pet aftercare has been asked: “Will I see my pet in Heaven?” How you answer can have profound consequences. We all know words have impact and making sure we are dedicated to best practices for ourselves and our staff can be life-changing for others. Training in pet bereavement is the key to good foundational practices.

Our non-verbal cues have just as great of an impact. Our body language, tone of voice, and inflection convey a lot to a pet parent who is overcome by grief. Because you are dealing with families in a highly emotional state, your body language and vocal tone are essential to creating rapport and building trust. People know when you are being real and when you are giving “pat answers.” Being authentic is important. As anyone working with pet parents will tell you, a pet parent can always spot another pet parent!
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One of the more exciting sections of our online program covers these detailed specifics. It provides a real opportunity to check ourselves, our language, our demeanor, the way we carry our body, and the pace at which we move. We learn how to responsively listen and how to apply reflective listening dramatically improving our communication skills to grieving families.

challenging family interactions

During our work together, I found myself learning new ideas, getting a refresher on my non-verbal cues, and forming new de-escalation and de-stressor techniques. It can be a challenge to work with pet parents who have an especially difficult time due to extenuating circumstances. Whether it is a lack of social support, pre-existing mental health conditions or an emotional sense of responsibility for the death of the pet, these challenges can require inside knowledge of how to best serve the pet parent. As we built the course, we were able to share direct personal experiences of unusual circumstances and unique requests – how do you respond when a pet parent asks you to remove the paw for them? How do you react and what do you say to a pet parent that is convinced their pet is still breathing?

We laid out important steps to take when approaching challenges, including emergency situations requiring immediate medical assistance – when do you call for help? Asking the right questions, knowing how to identify key risk factors and finding ways to take quick and decisive action is important for us to know, and, more importantly, for our staff to know as well. Education and training on how to handle difficult situations before they arise is key for all of us!

best practices

As a third-generation family business, my father, Doyle L. Shugart, raised my brothers and I to believe that we are each here on purpose and for a purpose. We all have a higher calling in life, and how you prepare for that calling can impact and change the lives around you. As a past president of the IAOPCC, he was dedicated to continued education. In fact, the IAOPCC’s Educational Scholarship is named in his memory. Making sure we take advantage of every training opportunity available at our fingertips is the only positive during this post-pandemic time. Making sure we as well as our staff are well-trained and prepared to handle any and every situation in a culturally divisive world should remain at the top of our priorities – it can be the difference in building and sustaining relationships and your business.

My father often referenced the famous quote attributed to Maya Angelou, impressing it on us: “People may forget what you did for them, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” Forty-nine years after he started our family business, his words still ring true. Your actions can have a profound impact on a pet parent’s grief experience. Learning best practices ensures your families receive all of the options, the best possible care, and your professional expertise to ease the burden of their loss.

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Announcing the Online Pet Bereavement Certification Level 1 developed in partnership with IAOPCC and CANA. Pet funeral directors and arrangers can now get certified online, on their schedule, at their pace and at home! Learn more at www.cremationassociation.org/PetCremation.

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Donna Shugart-Bethune is part of the Shugart Family business of Deceased Pet Care Funeral Homes and Crematories located in Atlanta, Georgia. As one of the largest pet funeral homes in the nation, Deceased Pet Care has served pet parents for more than 46 years. Donna, who grew up in the family business, pursued her BBA from Georgia State University. Over the past few years, she has concentrated her efforts as the company’s Public Relations & Marketing Director.
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In addition to the family business, Donna has served as the Executive Director for the International Association of Pet Cemeteries & Crematories (IAOPCC) for more than 8 years. Donna is a member of the Georgia Veterinary Medical Association (GVMA) as well as the GVMA Industry Council. Donna is certified as a Pet Bereavement Specialist, a Registered Pet Funeral Director, Pet Celebrant, and Pet Crematory Operator. Deceased Pet Care was voted Best Pet Cemetery in Atlanta Magazine, Nominated for Georgia Business of the Year, and is the recipient of the Chamblee Business of the Year Award.