Who is the Enemy?

In February, I attended CANA’s 2024 Symposium focusing on green practices. There were several presenters and vendors who provided information and products covering embalming, green burial, alkaline hydrolysis, and natural organic reduction. Everyone brought their best attitudes and willingness to learn about new ways to consider how we serve our families.

As the presentations continued, it was clear that many people in the room had strong preferences and could argue clearly on behalf of the methods they preferred. It occurred to me while listening to these discussions that we have to have something to be against in order to have something that we support.

Now, isn’t that the truth for humanity throughout our collective experience? In every story there is a bad guy and a good guy. A right way and a wrong way. This is how countries, political parties, religious denominations, cults, and, even, sports teams gain their followers. We’re number one and everyone else is a loser.

Enemies in Funeral Service

In the 60’s Jessica Mitford was the objective of our collective anger. In her book The American Way of Death, she pulled the curtain back on the practices of the day. Some of her assumptions and accusations were inflated and unfair. Some of her statements were correct and on point. This exposé that outlined many problematic business practices drew the attention of the FTC and funeral service was put on notice that someone was watching. So, then we had a second point of pain and an enemy that we could all agree on. That meddling FTC that makes our lives so difficult.

And then, along came cremation. Now this was something threatening that we could all rally against. What do you mean that you do not want to embalm the body, buy a casket and a vault and a burial plot? This is what we do. This is our entire business model. This is how we survive.

So, for another two decades (and, for some much longer) many funeral professionals were less than engaged with the cremation family. The famous professional shrug and eye roll as we referred to the request as “just a cremation.” We hid the urns in a closet and only brought them out when we had to. As cremation continued to increase and it became clear that it was going nowhere, many funeral professionals learned to embrace and adapt and have successful businesses serving the cremation customer. But, if you listen closely when a group of funeral directors get together, there is still that collective sigh as they remember the good ol’ days.

Just as we thought that we had figured out how to sleep with that enemy, along came green burial. “What? What kind of hippy dippy, tree hugging stuff is this? ”And, of course, Jewish and Islamic families all over the country gently reminded us that they have been honoring their dead in this manner for 2000 years.

And this is when the enemies became divided. For those who were promoting and encouraging the natural disposition choices, formaldehyde and caskets and fuel-based cremation became the enemy. Bad for the environment. Bad for practitioners. Bad for the land.

For those whose business practices relied on embalming or cremation, green burial became a threat to their established models and frustrating in the limitations of offering options.  “Sure, I am happy to support a family’s wishes, but how do I find a cemetery that accepts natural burial? Or dealing with green-identified cemeteries that won’t allow burial of an embalmed body which means that families cannot be buried together? And what does green burial mean? A wicker casket? A shroud? Formaldehyde-free embalming? So confusing. Perhaps we can just ignore it and hope it goes away.”

In the last decade, the landscape has gotten even more crowded with the introduction of alkaline hydrolysis focusing on the enemy: flame-based cremation. So much better to utilize water and sodium hydroxide and not pollute the air or use large quantities of fuel. At this writing, twenty states have legalized it, indicating a lag in professional support and urgency for making this available for families who would like to have that choice. Why create yet something else that we must deal with?

And then, in 2019, natural organic reduction came on the scene. You could feel the collective gasp all over the country. “What? Another option? Turning bodies into soil? A truck load of remains? Are you kidding me?" At this writing, nine states have legalized this process and much of the pushback has come from religious and funeral professionals. “We’ve never done it this way before and it just doesn’t feel right. ”The best way to bring folks together is to give them a really good enemy.

Are we the enemy?

Personally, I am a fan of all of the above. I have had the privilege of working with such talented and dedicated professionals in all of these fields – embalming, cremation, green/natural, alkaline hydrolysis, and natural organic reduction.

I am completely convinced that their life’s work has been focused on serving families in dignified and honoring ways and of supporting a funeral practice that serves the community.

My question is – Why does anything have to be the enemy? Why have we been so resistant to accepting and enthusiastically embracing ALL of the options? Why must one thing be bad in order for our preference to be good? Clearly each method has pros and cons that must be considered, but there is no one method that owns all the pros nor one that is inherently bad.

Why can’t we open up those doors and become proficient and conversant in every option that is allowed in our states? Why are we not having full and informative conversations with professionals, law makers, religious and lay communities as we consider what it means to take care of a person’s final disposition and honoring those wishes? What message are we sending to families who are seeking the best alternative that fits them and their lifestyles and convictions when we refuse to be the professional experts in all the ways we take care of bodies?

Perhaps it is time to put down our We’re Number One foam finger and consider ourselves part of the death care team with everyone pulling in the same direction. Perhaps the best way to bring everyone together is not to create an enemy but to create a vision of progressive inclusion and expansive imagination. In that scenario, no one has to be the enemy. Everyone can be the good guy.

Glenda Stansbury takes the stage at CANA's 106th Annual Cremation Innovation Convention this September 11-13, 2024. She'll talk about the value of listening and being open to all perspectives and responding to the needs of our communities. See what else we have planned and register to attend: cremationassociation.org/CANA24

This post excerpted from an article of the same name, originally appearing in Dodge Magazine Spring 2024 Volume 116 No. 2.

Glenda Stansbury, CFSP, MALS is the Dean of the InSight Institute of Funeral Celebrants, VP of InSight Books, adjunct professor for UCO Funeral Service Department and a practicing Certified Funeral Celebrant. You can contact her at [email protected].